News

February 13th 2016

Shite Iranian Metal Band Arrested

#ConfessTheBand #Blasphemy #Islamism

Iranian Metal Band ‘Confess’ Arrested for Blasphemy.

confess iranian metalbandBeing a bit of a Paul Simon, Gilbert O’Sullivan, Clive Dunn sort of a chap, I’ve often joked about how purveyors of Heavy Metal, Thrash Metal, Punk Thrash Metal, Goat Metal – and the many other divisions of the genre – should be arrested, tortured and put to death…

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February 11th 2016

Rich Woman Nearly Ninety!BBC Street Party

#ToryTown #RoyalFamily #AusterityForSome

NewsGrab™ ©

This Just In…

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January 30th 2016

#DawkinsTweet @RichardDawkins #FeministsLoveIslamists

dawkinsShit-Storm Richard

A brief look back at the devastation caused by the last few days inclement weather in the Twatosphere.

Here we have a satirical cartoon. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading and watch it now…

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January 22nd 2016

Horror at British University Shock

#SafeSpaces #Offended #Triggered

Sticks and Stones…

Images of The Flying Spaghetti Monster – a fictitious deity created originally by Bobby Henderson in 2005 to highlight the stupidity of teaching stupidity in Kansas schools – have been banned by theSouth Bank University Students Union as ‘likely to cause offence to persons of a religious sensibility’following its use by hate-filled secular students group, the so-called South Bank Atheist Society(SBAS)…

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January 6th 2016

#JeSuisCharlie

Caution: Hard Lesson Ahead

Charlie Anniversary Edition

‘One year on and they still haven’t learned their lesson.’ This is the message being sent by religious leaders to the survivors of the Charlie Hebdo attacks of last year…

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Happy New Year, Everyone. I hope it will be a great one.
Here’s to Peace, Prospewrityand Less Typo’s.

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December 20th 2015

This Sceptic Isle

#UKNationalAnthem #TomorrowBelongsToMe

Memories, simply beautiful and then…

I was reading a half interesting post on Jerry Coyne’s fine and prolific blog, ‘Why Evolution is True‘, regarding the seasonal mating habits of the British. In the comments, someone posted a link to a humorous song called ‘I’m British‘. I mentioned in passing that this should be the UK’s National Anthem and this led to another poster offering his own contender for the honour: It was the wonderful Julia Hills singing ‘Being British‘…

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December 18th 2015

Mother Teresa pics to ‘replace’ NHS shock!

#ToryTown #MotherTeresa

This Just In…

Mother Theresa

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December 11th 2015

Sign Me Up, Bruv’

#TysonFury #DonaldTrump #TrumpFacts

tyson fury

Honestly, I’m Busy

Yesterday I signed two petitions. I’m not normally one for petitions. Social media allows me to sign forty or fifty a day – more if I had anywhere near the time that the good people at Change.Org obviously think I have. I, however, use my signature rarely as, for good or ill, I hold the belief that by using it willy nilly I devalue its efficacy – its use as currency. I have no scientific proof that this is indeed the case. It could simply be due to an over-inflated sense of self-importance on my part. Perhaps I’m lazy? I’m not too sure? Like most people, some things I do with little or no thought. I simply believe this to be the case…

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December 8th 2015

Wounded British soldier shuts up anti-Muslim racists with epic message

This is a reblogging from Tom Pride’s ‘Pride’s Purge’ blog. Please share.

Perhaps someone should read this to Donald Trump…

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December 6th 2015

‘Floody Hell!’

#StopTheCuts #StormDesmond

Oh, My God!

flood

Aided by Cameron’s cuts to Flood Defences, Clean Energy and Solar, Yahweh continues his campaign against Cumbria’s fascination with Homosexuality…

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December 6th 2015

Weapons of Mass Description

#DontBombSyria #Daesh #SimonDanczuk #Bullying

What’s in a Word

daesh

We have been told that in future we should call our naughty neighbours in Islamic State by the Arabic acronym, Daesh, (pronounced Day-esh, Die-esh, Dee-ish, Dish, Daysh or Dash) which, apparently translates to ‘Islamic State’…

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December 4th 2015

Puss In Boots On The Groundpuss in boots poster1
Oh Yes They Are! Oh No They’re Not!

The fine British tradition of Pantomime entertainment is to get a boost this Christmas with a new West End performance of David Cameron’s latest production of Puss in Boots on The Ground…

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December 2nd 2015

Today, of all days, share this…

#NotInMyName #NicolasHenin #StopTheWar #DontBombSyria

Interview with Nicolas Henin

The wonderful ‘Pride’s Purge’ (Tom Pride’s blog) has a really interesting video interview with ex Isis hostage, French journalist Nicolas Henin. Henin spent 10 months in Syria…

Pride's Purge Screen Grab

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November 30th 2015

NewsGrab
Old Man on the Moon advert ‘faked’

Old Man on the Moon1

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November 23rd 2015

Jesus Christ! They’ve Banned The Lord’s Prayer!

#TheLordsPrayer #SecularNation

The Church of England is ‘astonished (…) disappointed and bewilderedcoelogoat what they see as a ‘plain silly’ decision to not screen their ‘Lord’s Prayer’ cinema advert in the UK. They had hoped for the 60 second advert (video below) to be playing in UK cinemas prior to the holiday screenings of Star Wars. The advert features a montage of everyday people – a grieving son at a grave, a cop, gym users, a farmer, street preachers, a gospel choir – speaking and singing ‘The Lord’s Prayer’ and ending with the slogan, ‘Prayer is for Everyone’. This is followed by the hashtag, #JustPray…

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November 22nd 2015

The God That Wasn’t There

#Syria #Isis #StopTheWar #TheGodThatWasntThere #Voltaire

Doubting JustinJustinWelby

The Archbishop of Canterbury, the right reverend Justin Welby, speaking in an interview for a BBC religious programme, has said that the despicable and religiously inspired attacks on the citizens of Paris had made him ‘doubt’ the presence of God…

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November 21st 2015

Liberté Égalité Fraternité

NoteThis article is presently unfinished, but as the situation is fluid and fast-moving I thought I would publish it as an ongoing piece that will be added to and completed over the next few days. AS

#Syria #StopTheWar #ISIS

Nous sommes tous Humains. Nous sommes tous Parisienne!

paris-logoThe shocking and despicable acts that saw the deaths of 129 innocent people in Paris should be condemned by all sane people throughout the world. Of course, sanity also demands that we should sit back, take stock, and formulate a rational and reasoned response…

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November 11th 2015

Lest We Forget

I re-post this today, for obvious reasons…

“Miss, Miss, Corbyn’s not singing!”

#JezWeCan #NationalAnthem #ProsperityThroughPoverty #BattleOfBritain

bob

On the day when Prime Ministers Questions may prove to be the most interesting in years, in a week when an opposition leadership election forced a sitting prime minister to rapidly shoot off, somewhat Madonna-like, to visit poor people in the Lebanon, (I’m surprised he didn’t bring a brown baby back for the obvious photo-opportunity exiting the plane at Heathrow) we have the Murdoch press screaming like small schoolchildren at a birthday party, “Miss, Miss, Corbyn’s not singing!”…

Click here or on image to read the rest of the article.

November 7th 2015
Incognito Ergo Sum

#SnoopersCharter #Playboy #ToryTown

To Err is Human, To Forgive Divine 

Sometimes you read the market right, sometimes wrong. Mostly the business decisions you make, for good or ill, will never go much beyond your immediate friends and family – destined to be told, retold and possibly chuckled at over the odd sherry at Christmas gatherings. Yes, we’ve all got a yarn about Uncle Jimmy’s costly attempts at claiming his Nigerian lottery win…

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October 29th 2015
NewsGrab – Food Banks to get Child Snatchers

#ToryTown #IanDuncanSmith #FoodBanks #TaxCredits

This just in…

‘The secretary for Work & Punishment, Ian Duncan Smith, today revealed plans for Child Snatchers to be placed in and around food banks in the UK…’

IDS-Child Snatchers

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October 27th 2015 
Pinky & Perky’s Pals
#PinkyAndPerky #ToryTown
Collect the Set
Pinky-And-Perkys Pals1
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October 26th 2015

NewsGrab – Lords RebellionLords-Tax-Credits1

#ToryTown #TaxCreditCuts

This just in…

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October 22nd 2015

#ToryTown #JamieOliver #SugarTax

Sugar Tax dismissed by Tory government as it would affect poor fat people the most.

The British Conservative government – known colloquially in the UK as ‘The Workers Party’ – today hit out at a report claiming sugar is a major contribution to ill health and obesity costing the NHS over £5.1 billion per year.

Prime Minister David Cameron slammed celebrity chef, Jamie Oliver, as a ‘toff’ who would take away one of the few pleasures that poor fat people have left. “What people like Oliver don’t understand is that a tax on sugar would be a regressive tax that would hit poor fat people the hardest!…

Read more…

October 21st 2015

Chinese WhispersXi Jinping October 2013 (cropped).jpg

#LostInTranslation #ChineseWhispers #IdiotOsborne:

A government obsessed with shrinking the state through its neo-liberal ideology will today sign a contract permitting two foreign powers – one of them a ruthless neo-liberal dictatorship and enemy of supposed British values of free speech and democracy, the other merely French…

Click here or on image to read the rest of the article.

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October 20th 2015

This (collected) post from Tom Pride’s wonderful blog is simply delightful.

ToryChildrensBooks24

Click here or on image to read the rest of the article.

October 3rd 2015

Bizarre News Item of The Week
#ShitGate #NewYorkJets
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Doing the ‘Math’
The New York Jets – who fly into London this morning for tomorrow’s Wembley Stadium clash with NFL opponents, Miami Dolphins – are to bring with them 350 toilet rolls following reports of bad British plumbing and “thin” loo-paper…
BBCNYJETS
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October 1st 2015

NewsGrab! Tory Turkeys to have ‘Own Union’. Tory Turkeys1

#ToryTurkeys #TWATS

Breaking News – This Just In…

Tory ‘Turkey Farms’ to be up and running in time for Christmas says deputy chairman, Rob Halfon.

Click here or on image to read the rest of the article.

September 16th 2015

“Miss, Miss, Corbyn’s not singing!”

#JezWeCan #NationalAnthem #ProsperityThroughPoverty #BattleOfBritain

bob

On the day when Prime Ministers Questions may prove to be the most interesting in years, in a week when an opposition leadership election forced a sitting prime minister to rapidly shoot off, somewhat Madonna-like, to visit poor people in the Lebanon, (I’m surprised he didn’t bring a brown baby back for the obvious photo-opportunity exiting the plane at Heathrow) we have the Murdoch press screaming like small schoolchildren at a birthday party, “Miss, Miss, Corbyn’s not singing!”…

Click here or on image to read the rest of the article.

September 13th 2015

#JezWeCan #JezWeDid #LizLuvsJez

jcpointing

Jeremy Corbyn allows an ant to crawl along his finger to freedom

A revolution of sorts

Was it really only a few short weeks ago that a handful of British Labour Party MP’s were persuaded, for the sake of debate, to back Jeremy Corbyn as an outside candidate in the party leadership election? It feels like an age. Back then you could have put money on him at 500/1. I didn’t…

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Click here or on image to read the rest of the article.

September 9th 2015

TwatShaming #2

#TwatShaming

KimDavis

Click here or on image to read the rest of the article.

September 3rd 2015

Swarming – Waiting for words… II

swarming1This is an update from an earlier post dated 27th May 2015.

It references the image – now viral world-wide on social-media – of the body of a dead infant, Alan Kurdi, who, along with his mother and five year old brother, were drowned in their attempt to escape the conflict in Syria…

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Click here or on image to read the rest of the article.

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September 1st 2015

Austerity Deterrence OsborneTrident2

Trident Replacement to cost £100 Billion.

It’s time to re-think our rethink on Defence!

Okay, here’s my plan: We get rid of those expensive American Missiles, and buy some of those cheap leaky ones off the Russians…

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Click here or on image to read the rest of the article.

August 26th 2015

‘The Most Dangerous Man in The World’

The new UK National Anthem from ‘Chunkydave & Friends’:

ScaredOfYou

Click here or on image to view article.

August 21st 2015

NewsGrab – This Just In… ‘Collected Werks’Prince George1

A growing collection of NewsGrabs© from the current UK Leadership Election:

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August 17th 2015

Waiting for Superman

“Martha! Where’s my bloody Ballot Papers…”

Click here to read the rest of the article.

August 7th 2015

Back To The Future II – American Edition

#DonaldTump #USElections

Trump Trump, Trumpety Trump, Trump Trump Trump

Readers of last weeks post, ‘Back To The Future‘, will be scriptsaware that I recently came across a ‘time-capsule’ of unused sketches, circa 2001-2004. For the most part they are staunchly UK-centric – and even then you would have to belong to a certain age demographic to appreciate or understand the content. That said, they had a certain resonance with regards to the present political situation in the UK so I thought they were worth reproducing. I may post more as I work my through the seventy or so dusty files.

Last night, however, I watched the American Republican hustings on the TV…

Click hear to read the rest of the article.

August 3rd 2015

Back To The Future
Mea Culpa

Firstly, apologies to our International readers. We’re having a bit of a political spat here in the UK following our recent general election. Basically we’re in turmoil as a government with a majority – though elected by a minority – feel they have carte blanche to scripts 2run roughshod over the weakest and most vulnerable in our society by incentivising the poor with less money whilst incentivising the rich with more…

Click here to read the rest of the article.

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July 30th 2015

On this day…

On this day in 1973 I awoke to find I was fifteen years old. I was a man. I wore flares, penny-round collars, and my hair, when wet and with my head arched as far back as it would go, would touch my protruding hip-bones…

Click here to read the rest of the article.

July 30th 2015

The Rise of The Evil Empire continues…

Unaware of his secret plans to build a Death Star, a second majorI Just Joined The Labour Party Trades Union and an insignificant Comedian today fell under his Machiavellian spell and pledged their allegiance to The Dark Lord of Socialism, Jeremy Corbyn…

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Click here to read the rest of the article.

July 26th 2015

‘All Hail The Evil One!’

#TheEnemyWithin #TheEvilOne #JeremyCorbynIsReallyAMuslim #JihadiJeremyLabour-MP-for-Islington-North-Jeremy-Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn is the Devil

After a week when everyone from the Tory Party to Tony Blair to the Masters of Industry have let us know what a disaster it would be if evil Jeremy Corbyn was to lead the Labour Party, I’ve been feeling rather predictive, one might say almost Mystic Meg like:

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July 08th 2015

From our Royal Correspondent

#RoyalCorrespondent

Royals fall for Holy Water Scam

The British Royal Family admitted this week to being duped after buying so-called Holy Water from the holy waterJordan River – a river in Jordan, which is a country – for the sacrificial-wetting of latest royal addition, blond, Princess Charlotte, aged not one yet.

The water reputed to have been used to sacrificially wet suedo-fictional character, Hey-Zeus Christos (pronounced Gee-suss by some and Yeah-shoo-aah by others who speak different languages) has been sold by unscrupulous dealers for many years and can be bought at source or online from shadowy venders such as Gumtree and eBay for as little as £3.13 (plus £5.69 shipping) – although an accompanying Certificate of Authentification

Click here to read the rest of the article.

June 21th 2015

Twat Shaming

#TwatShaming

After discovering Dog Shaming I decided that if it was good enough for Dogs it was good enough for Twats!

DylanRoof-Twat-Shaming#1

Here’s number #1 in the series…

Click here to read the rest of the article.

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June 15th 2015

Robber Barons

#MagnaCarta

Nuisance Texts

Woke up this morning only to find I was the victim of nuisance texts from someone called Philae Lander (you can bet your life it’s just a machine and not a real person) who appears to a) know that I was involved in an accident within the last three months that wasn’t my fault, and, b) wants to congratulate me on the 800th anniversary of the signing, or ‘sealing’ of the Magna Carta?

Magna Carta (British Library Cotton MS Augustus II.106).jpgIf you live in a democracy you may know from your history lessons at school that the Magna Carta or ‘Great Charter’ was approved by King John on this very day in 1215 in order to avoid a civil war with a number of his Barons, who, sick of nasty John’s greed and power, wanted some of it for themselves.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

June 12th 2015

Tragedy Plus Time

#TragedyPlusTime #(T+t)=C

You know you shouldn’t, but…

It is often said that the formula for Comedy is nothing greater than Tragedy Plus Time.

“(T+t)=C”…

Click here to read the rest of the article.

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June 11th 2015

Mountain Spirit Kills Wrong People

#specsavers

Should’ve gone to Specsavers
pictures_showing_foreigners_stripping_off_for_a_photo_on_mount_kinabulu_posted_to_facebook_E1

A Mountain Spirit in Malaysia took exception to tourists who stripped naked for a photograph and urinated indiscriminately on a mountain top. The Mountain Spirit, who was not available for comment, responded with a 5.9 earthquake which destroyed property and killed 18 people…

Click here to read the rest of the article.

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June 10th 2015

Breaking News…

#fifa

Pakistan Ready to Kick Off!

Pakistani Minister for Tourism, Sport & Religious Obedience, Mr Syed Mumtaz Alam Gillani, has said in a statement earlier today that Pakistan is ready to step in and co-host the World Cup with Afganistan should FIFA or other relevant authorities find fault with the 2018 or 2022 bids…

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Click here to read the rest of the article.

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June 7th 2015

#FreeRaif

Let there be no compulsion in religion: truth stands out clear from error*:

256 of Al-Baqara

468x283_raif_badawi

Not much to state here apart from disgust at the treatment of blogger and Saudi national, Raif Badawi for the heinous crime of ‘insulting Islam through electronic channels’. The thugs and gangsters that control his country have upheld the sentence of one thousand lashes and ten years imprisonment for encouraging debate on religious and political issues….

Click here to read the rest of the article.

June 3rd 2015

Every Picture Tells a Story…

photoshoot

I’d always thought that the Military – any Military – was rather absurd and infantile in the paraphernalia they would produce in order to impress both themselves and others. Marching in time, especially goosestepping and the various exaggerated movement associated with this, seemed to me to be particularly humorous. I could never get away from the fact that someone had made it up, so to speak. It all seemed so, well… juvenile.

Probably why I laughed so much at Monty Python’s The Ministry of Silly Walks.

I then (this morning) came across a shot of a certain Mr Baghdadi, Supreme and Glorious Leader (now rumoured to be dead) of a bunch of simple-minded thugs who have been persuaded that really really bad things are, in actuality, really really good things. Ah, yes, isn’t all religion simply wonderful…

Click here or on either image to read the rest of the article.

May 31st 2015

Nick Clegg by the 2009 budget cropped.jpg

Loserski

Poor Nick Clegg – Not even the Russians want him!

fuckoffcomrade

http://www.yle.fi/tvuutiset/uutiset/upics/liitetiedostot/RUS_Einreiseverbotsliste.pdf

May 28th 2015

Waiting for words…

I’ve been staring at a photo released a while ago by the United Nations Relief and Works Agency (UNRWA). I’ve been doing this every other day or so for quite some time now . It’s a shot taken at Yarmuk Refugee camp, Damascus. If you’re American, that’s in Syria, which is in the Middle East. Men and Women – Palestinians (and no doubt Syrians now, too) are queuing for food in a street devastated by the conflict.

They are orderly, static, unmoving – yet they appear as a river, a torrent of humanity coursing through the destruction of war.

The reason I’m staring at this photograph is that I’m waiting. Waiting for words…

Click here to read the rest of the article

May 27th 2015

Blair Resigns

‘Nuff said…

Click here to read the rest of the article

May 27th 2015

The Queen’s Speech.

Queens-speech

The opening of the UK parliament following the recent General Election.

A few brief thoughts here… (or click image)

May 23nd 2015

So proud to be Irish today…
JeSuisIrishRainbowPlain

Anvil Patrick Michael Seamus O’Springstien

May 22nd 2015

A Big Day for Ireland.

yes image

Read article ‘Good Morning, Ireland‘ Here or click on Image.

May 2015

Mel Brooks’ ‘The Producers’
Sunderland Empire.

Hi. went to see this on Saturday – Had a fab time.

Big kisses to Ross for sticking us on the door xxx

It was his first night. He confided later, on the phone, that he’d clapped when he should have slapped during his Bavarian dance routine. No-one noticed, mate. Kick arse for the rest of the tour!

Brief Review Here.

March 2015

I’M BACK!   

Hi. I know, it’s been a while, and a lot has happened, some bad, some very bad, some crushingly bad, but mostly good – anyway,  I’m back now – and I’ve a few things to say…

July 2014

BRAKING BRAKING BRAKING BRAKING

‘Springstien Passes Motorcycle Test Whilst Drunk Shock!’

48 minutes ago: Rockingham. Western Australia: Following the success of his latest internet Crowd-Funding venture, Springstien applies his new found method to other aspects of his life.  Smiling as he held up his 100% Pass Certificate for the gathered Paparazzi, he was asked for a quote, “Yah Fukkin’ Fukkah!” he said in an apparently Geordie accent as he gunned the Cbr 125 into the sunset as another chapter of Australian Bikey Gang history unfolded before our eyes.

 June 2014

BREAKING BREAKING BREAKING BREAKING

money22 hours ago: Safety Bay, Western Australia. Springstien Launches Unique & Innovative International Crowd-Funding Scheme, ‘Buy Anvil a Drink’.

Simply put Springstien hopes to persuade backers to pay for his alcohol consumption thereby freeing funds to develop his comedy portal/blog/comedy mausoleum thing at anvilspringstien.com.

From an unknown location near Perth the internet entrepreneur commented, I can’t believe I’d never thought of it before – it seems so obvious? Still, I suppose that’s how Archimedes felt? Newton too, I shuppose? he slurred. ‘I was down to my last scratch-card as shwell…’

Springstien believes his turn in fortune may be ultimately bad for the world of comedy as he may literally turn out to be a victim of his own success.

Finding himself in the unusual position of fending off calls from Google, Apple, and Yahoo, Springstien is playing his cards quite close to his chest.

As the sun finally sets on the first day of his Eureka Moment Springstien bends over a printer as it spews out the latest figures from his brainwave – I glance over his shoulder, reports that he has had a drink bought for him by almost more than one person are no exaggeration.

Jennnifer Macalinty. Financial Correspondent. Safety Bay Advertiser. Safety Bay. Western Australia.

Buy Anvil a Drink here at The Beta Bar!

 

Welcome to the home of writer and performer Anvil Springstien.

We’ve been busy doing a major re-build and have just about finished the decorating. We retained some of the original site by throwing a few bits of wood at a dead dog and, what with a couple of slaps of paint, have produced this simple but effective replacement for what was an old and trusted friend.

Behind the scenes we continue to build for a better, brighter future, all the time sitting on a hydraulic chair, stroking a white cat.

We hope it’ll be both as much fun – and, with the new blog, as serious as the last one – albeit with slightly better furniture. We’ll be talking about pretty much anything and everything, and look forward to the odd special guest throwing something our way every now and then.

We also hope you enjoy it, or at least find it stimulating.

As always, your comments, fair or foul, are warmly appreciated…

As would any comments on the new theme – we had loads of problems with the transfer – mainly with headings. We’re slowly going through all the back articles but if you see anything that look incongruous then please drop us a line.

Anvil Springstien.