Horror at British University Shock

Posted: January 22, 2016 in Comedy, Current Affairs, students, Stuff
Tags: , ,

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#SafeSpaces #Offended #Triggered

reprinted with kind permission of

Newspaper Banner Whitley Bay Courant

From Our Northern Correspondent

Sticks and Stones…

Images of The Flying Spaghetti Monster – a fictitious deity created originally by Bobby Henderson in 2005 to highlight the stupidity of teaching stupidity in Kansas schools – have been banned by the South Bank University Students Union as ‘likely to cause offence to persons of a religious sensibility’ following its use by radical hate-filled secular students group, the so-called South Bank Atheist Society (SBAS).

FactSLAP: South Bank University is in London, England, a country near Europe.

FactSLAP: Kansas is a country in America famous for its monkey’s and yellow painted roads.

The offending photoshopped image – Michelangelo’s ‘Creation of Adam’ (where the bearded Christian god is replaced by the equally fictitious Pastafarian god – sbuh*) was initially banned due, it was said, to the offence caused by Adam’s visible genitalia.

flyingspaghetti-672x420

Trigger Warning: Possible Hate Imagery

creation of adam

Trigger Warning: Possible Hate Imagery

However, following an interjection by the South Bank University Arts Department who pointed to the fact that the ‘Creation of Adam’ fresco from the Sistine Chapel – a church brought to prominence by Dan Brown’s novel, The DaVinci Code – was possibly the most famous example of religious art in the entirety of human history, this was then quickly changed to “possibly causing offence due to the religious nature of the art.

FactSLAP: Dan Brown: discoverer of the Bible in 1998. Now lives in Hollywood, California with his Wife and two dogs.

FactSLAP: Michelangelo. An artist similar to Banksy. Formerly known as Charlton Heston.

A spokesperson for South Bank University Psychology Department added that Adam’s genitalia is also famous for being the least offensive genitalia ever and has helped generations of Catholic men by promoting a relatively positive image of their own bodies whilst simultaneously lowering the expectations of the majority of Catholic women.

Julia Henderson from the student Christian Society (GodBothSoc) professed offence at the implied phallic imagery of the FSM’s noodly appendages and expressed sadness at “the racism of low expectations of Catholic women” adding she was also offended by gay sex as the very idea of a large cock up the arse often made her feel faint.

Waiting for a redefined re-redefinition from the student body of the actual offence caused, a representative from the University’s Biology Department chipped in with, “Oh, and there was never an original human called Adam, either!

Following this statement, pandemonium broke out and Security and Police had to be called to restore order.

The so-called student Islamic Society (SCISOC) responded by stating that they were offended by the Arts Department, the Psychology Department, the Biology Department, Julia Henderson from the Christian Society, including the photoshopped image and the original fresco, adding that both images were idolatrous and should be destroyed.

The female cohort of the Islamic Society (SCFISOC), seated in the next room, were heard to mumble through the wall, ‘Yeah, whatever, innit.’

The Students Union eventually re-re-re-banned the image, now stating that it ‘may cause offence to all and any religious persons known or unknown including those who haven’t quite thought things through yet’, they said.

Then, in association with the unions Feminist Society (FemSoc), they called for the destruction of the original fresco in ‘solidarity with their fellow students of colour and of no colour at all‘.

David Cameron, speaking on the issue said, ‘This healthy debate suggests British Universities are amongst the best in the world’.

FactSLAP: David Cameron is the King of England, Ireland & Wales, but not Scotland.

FactSLAP: Scotland recently fell to the powerful Munchkin Queen.

A Mr Thingy, titular head of the Student Union, today released a press statement calling for calm whilst assuring the growing number of triggered people that all offensive things (including micro-aggressions – those little things which really piss people off) would now be banned at London’s South Bank University as from next Monday. “Phew“, said Julia Henderson before having to go and lie down after feeling a little faint.

Ken Pratt.

Northern Correspondent.

Whitley Bay Courant.

[*sbuh: We have no idea what this means?]

(Anvil Springstien is away having an interview at the Dole).

PS: It’s been a few days since I posted the above. Yesterday (24/01/2016) The Guardian posted an interesting and related piece that is well worth a read:

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/jan/24/safe-spaces-universities-no-platform-free-speech-rhodes

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