From our Royal Correspondent:

Posted: July 8, 2015 in Current Affairs, Humour, Stuff
Tags: , , ,

#RoyalCorrespondent

Royals fall for Holy Water Scam

The British Royal Family admitted this week to being duped after buying so-called Holy Water from the Jordan River – a river in Jordan, which is a country – for the sacrificial-wetting of latest royal addition, blond, Princess Charlotte, aged not one yet.

The water reputed to have been used to sacrificially wet suedo-fictional character, Hey-Zeus Christos (pronounced Gee-suss by some and Yeah-shoo-aah by others who speak different languages) has been sold by unscrupulous dealers for many years and can be bought at source or online from shadowy venders such as Gumtree and eBay for as little as £3.13 (plus £5.69 shipping) – although an accompanying Certificate of Authentification holy waterattaining to uncut full-strength holy water can raise this to as much as £21.33 for less than 600mls.

Although used to encourage miracles or the good favour of Gods, Holy Water from the River Jordan is not suitable for drinking.

Hey-Zeus and Holy Water from the River Jordan first came to prominence following the success of Hollywood blockbusters ‘Space Jew’, and ‘Space Jew II – the Re-Awakening’. Both movies, loosely based on two earlier books, chart the story of a powerful alien who travels to earth using the vagina of a middle-eastern teenager as a ‘Star Gate’. Following a period of transitioning from a small brown Arab boy into a, blond haired, blue-eyed white guy, Hey-Zeus bursts on to the scene with a magic-act that stuns popular local competition, Galilee’s Got Talent.

Top of His Game

Jesusblond blue eyesDuring a nation-wide tour, and at the top of his game, Hey-Zeus meets another man called John who has a failing riverside career persuading people to gain the attention of deities by getting themselves and their clothes wet. Hey-Zeus befriends John, uses his ‘re-birth’ facility, causing a massive turn-around in John’s business fortunes which is seen as a miracle by the Jordanian Chamber of Commerce.

From there the story unfolds into a Machiavellian tale of hatred, betrayal, and the unrequited love of one man for twelve others, spoiled, many critics admit, by an overly complex ending where Hey-Zeus, descending into apparent Freudian madness, believes he has been sent to earth by himself to sacrifice himself to himself in order to an appease himself for his own anger at the actions of two long dead earthlings who no-one on earth knew.

Hey-Zeus Lives!

Complexity aside, the franchise has become at least as popular as Pokémon and has generated almost as many street-sayings as Terminator, or The Matrix – and although “I shall return” and “Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?” hardly compete with “I’ll be back” or “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes“, it has achieved almost mythic status amongst its followers, so much so that Hey-Zeus is seen at least as often as Elvis, be it on toast, in chip-shops, or emblazoned across the backside of a dog.

dogsarsejesus

This very success has created a burgeoning souvenir industry that many feel is taking advantage of unwary high-profile fans such as the Royals culminating in an increased incidence of sacrificial-wetting by the feckless poor, which in turn has the effect of severe environmental degradation to the River Jordan itself – once a major river of almost biblical proportions, now a mere muddy trickle of brown water and sewage.

Dawkins

Environmental considerations aside, a spokesperson who refused to be associated with the Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason & Science said, ‘This is child-abuse. Surely Princess Charlotte, blonde, aged not one yet, should be allowed to grow up and watch these movies for herself before deciding to be sacrificially-wetted. No-one is born a fan of these movies, for goodness sake!’.

Another spokesperson, unconnected with Buckingham palace, said the Royals were unaware they were doing anything wrong until suspicions about the quality of the water purchased first arose when Prince Charles noticed it wasn’t even carbonated.

In other news a family of nine from Luton, England, thought initially to be on holiday in Mecca, have reportedly crossed from Turkey into the Middle Ages.

Anvil Springstien.

SPECIAL OFFER: ‘Tears of Saint Diana of Wales’ – coming soon (330ml & 750ml only). You can now bathe in the tears of Saint Diana of Wales (prices available on request). Some Beans available now.

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