Dear Tom Daley…

Posted: December 5, 2013 in Current Affairs, Politics, Religion, Stuff
Tags: , , , ,

Give us our Daley cred’.

File:Tom Daley London (cropped).jpgDear Tom,

Apparently, according to the British media who never seem to let the facts get in the way of a good story, you have been deluged with homophobic hate mail following your announcement on a You Tube video that you are in a relationship with a man, and in this relationship you are both very happy – I’ve seen the photos, by the way, Tom, he looks really nice. Dead sweet.

As the story broke I had a gander at twitter and watched the tweets unfold. For over forty minutes I scrolled through tweet after tweet as my computer struggled to play catch up with the feeding frenzy. Most, as I expected, were congratulatory. Lots of young females decried the obvious opportunity lost, and a host of young males expressed jealousy at your new partner.

There were many attempts at humour, too. Did you see them? The most popular repeating ad nauseam a joke regarding the second window of their Advent Calendar, “I opened it and guess what came out?”  I’ve really no idea? Please do tell me again.

The best of the best I can only paraphrase as, mid-laugh, the phone rang and real-life beckoned, but it resembled the following from a female fan: “Don’t worry Tom, I’ll still play rubby rub with your photos, and you’ll still make me squirt like a Clowns flower!” Brilliant. Superb. Did you see it?

Okay, it’s hardly Chaucer, or even J.K., but wouldn’t you just kill to have someone write that about you? Oh, sorry, someone did just write that about you – doh! Hey, little tip here: don’t show too many of them to the new lad -sometimes the envy gets so great I could kick a small child.

Anyway, in all the time I spent perusing the tweets I never came across one that was negative or abusive. It’s not that they don’t exist, Tom, I’m sure that they do, in fact various portals rushed to post collections of them, but we all know that these are from the stupid, the ill-educated, or the simply ill – and in the moving moral zeitgeist that is the UK these are the people who, sadly, do not count.

You, Tom, and your new partner, can quite rightly, ignore these folk.

There are, of course, people who you and your new partner cannot ignore.

People who will do their utmost to ensure that your happiness is short lived and that both you and your partner are treated unequally in your dealings with the state, the medical establishment, and the law.

These people, who have efficacy and power and are in positions of the most incredible privilege and wealth, are completely, utterly, totally, barking mad. They lay their claim to the right to end your happiness on the basis of being whispered to by an invisible man who lives in the sky.

I know, Tom, I know, completely, utterly, totally, barking mad.

Get this, he doesn’t like the pee-pee thing anywhere near the poo-poo thing. Drives him insane, apparently? There are other things about how to beat women and slaves, and kill kids, and something else about wearing different types of cloth, but the real biggie is the pee-pee thing near the poo-poo thing.

Seriously! It really is hard to Adam & Eve it, innit?

How on earth these people are allowed to get away with commenting on what goes on in other peoples bedrooms is quite frankly beyond me? Anyone else would be arrested, surely? But no… all they have to do is mention that the invisible geezer who lives in the sky is going off on one about the pee-pee thing and the poo-poo thing again, and instantly governments and the police fall over themselves to allow these nutters to do and say the most evil and nasty things about people they’ve never even met?

Completely, utterly, totally, barking mad.

Anyway, mate, for the most part they’re all old so they’ll be dead soon, but I just thought I’d drop you a line to give you a heads-up on that one.

Really proud about what you achieved at the Olympics, by the way. Big cred’ there, mate. Prouder still at what you’ve done over the last couple of days. Your Dad would’ve been, too.

Good luck with the new Beau, and Rio, oh, and welcome to the fray.

Anvil Springstien.

ps: Really great teeth, there, kid, too!


*Reading about Tom Daley reminded me about how much I had enjoyed the London 2012 Olympics. So much so, I scribbled down some memories of this surprisingly enjoyable sporting occasion – HERE


"Dear Mr Springstien...

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