Pakistan Ready to Kick Off!

Pakistani Minister for Tourism, Sport & Religious Obedience, Mr Syed Mumtaz Alam Gillani, has said in a statement earlier today that Pakistan is ready to step in and co-host the World Cup with Afganistan should FIFA or other relevant authorities find fault with the 2018 or 2022 bids.

Mr Syed Mumtaz Alam Gillani stated that Pakistan has the infrastructure and stadia already in place and could rapidly remove gallows and lay new turf at a moment’s notice.

A member of the Quatari Football Association, who wished to remain anonymous, questioned Pakistan’s ability to host the competition pointing to its backlog of over 8,000 awaiting executions. Countering this Mr Syed Mumtaz Alam Gillani said that most had already ‘exhausted their appeals process [whilst others] … could be rushed through’.

Meanwhile, President Putin assured Pakistan that they had “nothing to fear” from a Russian invasion even if such an invasion was to occur.

In other news, members of the Westboro Babtist Church head for Canada under the banner ‘God Hates Women Footballers’.

A spokesperson for Isis said they are “considering their position’.

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