Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

#ToryTown #MotherTeresa

This Just In…

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Mother Theresa

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Old Man on The Moon Advert ‘Faked’!

Foodbanks to get Child Snatchers!

Lord’s Rebellion.

Tory Turkey’s to have ‘Own Union’.

Austerity Deterrence.

NewsGrab Collected Werks

Anvil Springstien.


Added Bonus Content:

Christopher Hitchens on ‘Hell’s Angel’ Mother Teresa:


His book ‘The Missionary Position‘ (wiki-link) is available on Amazon here.

Interview: (.pdf) Hitchens on Mother Teresa. by ‘Free Enquiry‘ magazine.


#DontBombSyria #Daesh #SimonDanczuk #Bullying


What’s in a Word

daeshWe have been told that in future we should call our naughty neighbours in Islamic State by the Arabic acronym, Daesh, (pronounced Day-esh, Die-esh, Dee-ish, Dish, Daysh or Dash) which, apparently translates to ‘Islamic State’.

I initially thought that this was by way of our politicians trying to sound cool, hip and down with the kids in that embarrassing way your father might use the phrase Bro’, or the dreaded ‘Hey, my Nigga!’ upon being introduced to a friend of yours. I was wrong. It would appear that this is simply because the Arab acronym sounds similar to the abusive Arabic term, ‘Daes’, meaning ‘one who crushes something underfoot’, or even the unbelievably more derogatory, ‘Dahes’, which translates as ‘one who sows discord’.

Sticks and Stones…

Seemingly, this word is absolutely hated by IS in the same way that a past classmate of mine, Jimmy Tusser, hated the mean-spirited pronunciation of his surname. It must drive them mad – it certainly drove young Jimmy mad: he became a loner and a compulsive eater. Selling his mother’s house in Anfield, Liverpool 4, he emigrated to New Zealand along with the final insult of having to pay for two seats due to his obese size.

No doubt the Kiwi’s at immigration – known for their wit – immediately added insult to injury upon his landing.

Sometimes, sadly, shit sticks and you never hear the last of it – how long has it been since Mohammed looked lovingly into Aisha’s dreamy little eye’s?

He was a touchy kid – Jimmy, that is, not Mohammed – and I feel an element of guilt in the abuse he received. Words, after all, hold considerable power. It was bullying, pure and simple. There is no other description for it.

Terrible Suffering

Still, it is with this in mind that I hold some considerable sympathy with the government in its attempts to upset or hurt ISIS by calling them names. Let’s face it, as Fat Jimmy Tosser has shown, it works. One only has to look at the pain and hurt sustained by poor Simon Danczuk, Labour MP for Rochdale, who, I imagine, has suffered terribly over the last few days following his voting record on the precision bombing of people standing next to Syrian children. How hard must it be to be the constant target of words such as wanker, twat, arsehole, gobshite, loser and cunt, particularly when they’re true?

Bullying can be a powerful weapon in the hands of the righteous, especially when we see just how touchy our ISIL opponents seem to be. This sensitivity, in my opinion, shows a real weakness in their armour – let’s face it, it’s hardly wounding to be called ‘one who crushes something underfoot’, is it? I could do better than that without a moment’s thought – how about ‘one who wears little girls pink knickers’? See how easy this is.

Victory Imminent

This weaponisation of bullying – something that the Tory party are supposedly particularly adept at – needs to be given a bit more thought if it’s to help in the now nearly almost imminent victory in the War on Terror. The good thing is we don’t have to rely on the Old Etoninians, here – with the power of the internet and social media we can all do our bit, even in the most critical of Terror alerts: I’ve just thrown ‘Pack of fucking Kiddie Fiddlers’ into my online Arabic translation app’ and have come up with a surefire Brimstone missile for our War of the Words:  “الاستغلال الجنسي للأطفال”. Yeah, see, take that, Islamic State/ISIS/ISIL/Daesh/IS.

Admittedly I’m still struggling with the pronunciation.

We really ought to let these Jihadis know that once the Forces of Light have gathered, and the ground war starts, prisoners can expect to be given wedgies, Chinese burns, held against hot radiators, and to be picked last for the footie during P.E. – only to end up in goal.

The gloves are finally off.

Anvil Springstien.




Added Bonus Content:

Free MI5 ‘Terror Alert’ Status as of 23.47 05/11/2015

  • LOW: An attack is unlikely.
  • MODERATE: An attack is possible, but not likely
  • SUBSTANTIAL: An attack is a strong possibility
  • SEVERE: An attack is highly likely
  • CRITICAL: An attack is expected imminently 

#BootsOnTheGround #GhostArmy #ToryTown #NotInMyName #DodgyDossier #70000

puss in boots poster1

Oh Yes, They Are!
Oh No, They’re Not!

The fine British tradition of Pantomime entertainment is to get a boost this Christmas with a new West End performance of David Cameron’s latest production of Puss in Boots on The Ground.

The hilarious festive romp starring Cameron himself as Principal Boy and Theresa May as Dame Porky is directed by George Osborne and based on a well-received script by Hillary Benn.

After selling off the family jewels for a bag of beans, David, in an attempt to slay the Giant, travels to London and climbs the beanstalk where he searches for the mythical Soldiers of The Sand – a ghostly army of 70,000 kind and moderately inclined souls.

Theresa uproariously helps David to dynamite the Golden Goose in order to cut off the Giants funds before he bravely battles the Multi-headed Porcine Hydra. Sowing it’s teeth, he summons the humorously hapless Army of the Sand, securing their services with the promise of everlasting membership of the UK Liberal Democratic Party and free meals at the House of Lords.

The final scene as David & Theresa lead their all-singing-all-dancing ghost army to the gates of the Giant’s desert lair is without doubt a glorious monument to the theatrical imagination.

Expect the jokes to come thick and fast in this brave, mainly ad-libbed, production.

This wonderful musical family fantasy promises to leave a smile on the face of children and adults alike and may run for years and years.

You really have no choice but to watch this farce.

#OldManInTheMoonAdvert #JohnLewis #XmasAdverts

Breaking News – This just in…

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Old Man on the Moon1

Anvil Springstien.

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#ToryTown #JamieOliver #SugarTax

Sugar Tax dismissed by Tory government as it would affect poor fat people the most.

The British Conservative government – known colloquially in the UK as ‘The Workers Party’ – today hit out at a report claiming sugar is a major contribution to ill health and obesity costing the NHS over £5.1 billion per year.

Prime Minister David Cameron slammed celebrity chef, Jamie Oliver, as a ‘toff’ who would take away one of the few pleasures that poor fat people have left. “What people like Oliver don’t understand is that a tax on sugar would be a regressive tax that would hit poor fat people the hardest!”

Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, said, “Without sugar to keep poor people fat, they would look as ill and impoverished as they really are!” “Many would never get through their ‘Fit for Work’ examination without the rush that sugary foods provided”, he added.

A national health charity, The Food and Drink Federation, vowed to oppose any implementation of what they see as “an unfair and Stalinist-like tax”. “Do we really want to live in a society with sugarbanks on our street corners where poor fat people are treated like the scum that they are?”

Minister of State for Security, the Rt Hon John Hayes MP, expressed concern earlier that such a tax could force sugar sales underground exposing vulnerable poor fat people to the dark forces of radicalisation and Islamism.

Health representatives today refused to be interviewed although a doctor who declined to be named said, “We just thought this might be a good idea.” he said, timidly, adding “I had no idea what this tax would do to manufacturers of sports clothing? We just hadn’t thought this through, I feel thoroughly ashamed.

Anvil Springstien.

A growing collection of NewsGrabs© from the current UK Leadership Election & based on the character assassination of leadership contender, Jeremy Corbyn:

1st September 2015

NEWSGRAB©: Breaking News – This just in…

‘I have become death, the destroyer of worlds’

#Trident @springstien


24 August 2015

NEWSGRAB©: Breaking News – This just in…

‘If You Lay Down With Dogs…’

‪#‎JezWeCan‬ @springstien


21 August 2015

NEWSGRAB©: Breaking News – This just in…

‘Corbyn ‘linked’ to War Criminals Shock’

‪#‎JezWeCan‬ @springstien


16 August 2015

NEWSGRAB©: Breaking News – This just in…

‘Brown to play King Canute. One Performance Only’

Supermarkets see rush on Popcorn & Beer.

‪#‎JezWeCan‬ @springstien


15 August 2015

NEWSGRAB©: Breaking News – This just in…

‘Manchester Sinkhole Blamed on Corbyn’s ‘Evil Thoughts”

‪#‎JezWeCan‬ @springstien

Corbyn Sinkhole1

14 August 2015

NEWSGRAB©: Breaking News – This just in…

‘Evil Jeremy Corbyn Took My Photo’

‪#‎JezWeCan‬ @springstien

Prince George1