Archive for the ‘News’ Category

#LostInTranslation #ChineseWhispers #IdiotOsborne:


A government obsessed with shrinking the state through its neo-liberal ideology will today sign a contract Xi Jinping October 2013 (cropped).jpgpermitting two foreign powers – one of them a ruthless neo-liberal dictatorship and enemy of supposed British values of free speech and democracy, the other merely French – to purchase UK infrastructure allowing them to profiteer from UK taxpayers by charging extortionate prices for energy. This will ensure that citizens in their own countries may benefit from cheaper energy and rail travel at the expense of the British taxpayer whilst simultaneously adding to a balance of trade deficit with the major of the two powers – already measured in the tens of billions – and leaving behind them waste so toxic it will continue to pollute the United Kingdom for hundreds of years to come at absolutely no cost to themselves.

This is then hailed by the Murdoch press, said government and idiot-child chancellor, George Osborne, as a major success for the UK economy and the British people. Upon hearing of this success, the British people came out in droves to wave a little red flag by way of saying thank you to the ruler of an authoritarian one-party state.


Such is the scale of this apparent victory that, throwing austerity to the wind, we have spent millions on a lavish state visit of President Xi Jinping of China, where the shafting of the UK electorate can be portrayed on endless TV channels, both here and abroad, as the biggest thing since the triumph of democracy over European fascism in 1945. This shafting – without so much as a by your leave, or even a paltry reach-around – resembles little more than an open invitation to break-in to one’s house and leave with as much as you can comfortably carry.

That’s a Nice Economy… I’ll have that!

How pleasantly surprised our burglar must be, to find, upon climbing through the jemmied window, that an elaborate party replete with bunting and tea and cakes with Granny has been laid on for his arrival. “Welcome! Please, do bring the wife!” Perceived racist inscrutability no doubt melting to more than just a broad smile as the fawning ranks of the burgled cry “Speech! Speech!”, their trousers dropping to their ankles as they assume the position. A children’s entertainer – not booked blind, mind – pulls a bouquet of red poppies from his sleeve before magically turning Steelworkers into Benefit Scroungers for his finale. All applaud. Cheap Chinese patent-busting Viagra-substitutes lay piled on the best silverware lest any further encouragement be needed to bring this predation to its natural conclusion.

Come back soon

No doubt Xi Jinping will be sad to leave. His pockets full, his load shot, his desires sated. The long flight home shortened by memories of the incredible generosity, hospitality, and sheer stupidity of his British hosts, Yes, an immensely successful visit. His good luck reflected in the new English proverbs contained within the fortune cookies presented to him by the now sore and waddling Osborne and supplied by the ‘Norther Powerhouse Fortune Cookie Company’ – a small cooperative in Manchester set up to replace the British steel industry – ‘Black is White’, ‘More is Less’, ‘Ignorance is Strength’, ‘Prosperity through Poverty’. He reads them to his wife. They both laugh uncontrollably. A little bit of wee spoils their new Marks and Spencer underwear.

As a once great north European Democracy slowly morphs into a Murdochracy, others begin to eye the remains of the carcass left by the absurd logic of the Madness of King George.

Putin may bring Assad over at the weekend to see if there is anything left.

Anvil Springstien.


Today’s Fun Quiz for all the Family:

Question One:

‘Where will the steel used to build UK nuclear reactors come from?’

Question Two:

Back to the Past: A question to celebrate ‘Back to The Future Day‘.

In the future, we were told, we would all drive hovercars, holiday on the Moon, eat freeze-dried food and be so productive we would only work a three hour week. I saw it all on Tomorrow’s World. Sadly we never got the hover-cars or the trip to the Moon, though freeze-dried food is now ubiquitous in food banks and refugee camps. We certainly achieved – indeed bettered – the productivity through the use of computers and robotics, but now appear to work longer hours for only slightly better pay. Where did all the wealth from all that increased productivity go? Did someone steal it? Is it down the back of the couch?


For American readers of this blog confused by the title of this article: ‘Chinese Whispers’ is a British children’s game that you may know in your country as ‘Telephone’.  ‘Telephone’, as a title, may well catch on here as I recall a recent objection to the phrase ‘Chinese’ Whispers (due to the obvious casual racism displayed by equating an incomprehensible message with the inability to understand a completely foreign language such as Mandarin). To be honest, I often get a bit lost with the whole PC thing, much of it being double-dutch to me.

#ShitGate #NewYorkJets
Doing the ‘Math’
The New York Jets – who fly into London this morning for tomorrow’s Wembley Stadium clash with NFL opponents, Miami Dolphins – are to bring with them 350 toilet rolls following reports of bad British plumbing and “thin” loo-paper.
I can understand their apprehension as news of Osborne’s needless austerity measures spread across the pond, but I’ll admit to lacking somewhat in the comprehension department when it comes to the sheer numbers involved here.
Okay, let’s take a deep breath and take a lead from our American cousin’s and try and ‘do the math’:
On the pitch, an American football team (yes, that’s what they call it) has eleven players. On the road I might imagine taking perhaps ten substitutes for an away game. I envisage we can then add another five for team management and maybe a further five comprising medical and admin’.
Let’s be even more generous and throw in a masseur and two pole-dancers.
Together with the ‘Intern’ who ‘blew the gaff’ on our pathetic sanitary arrangements, that’s a total travelling contingent of thirty-five citizens of the most powerful nation on earth.
Continuing with our renown British generosity we can call today (fly-in) and Monday (fly-out) as whole days, so together with tomorrow’s match-day the entirety of the Yankee invasion will last three days.
Thirty-five people, three days, three hundred and fifty loo rolls.
That’s a personal loo-roll (PLR) allocation of ten rolls over three days or 3.33 rolls per-person-per-day.
If we were to be rather unkind and class today and Monday as ‘half days’, then the PLR allocation would rise to 5.0.
Just how much shit are these Americans expecting to get through?
I do hope they’ve considered bringing their own shovels. I’m sure their Intern will no-doubt have told them, ours are being used to bury our ‘Fit for Work‘ dead.
Anvil Springstien.