Related:
Postcard Home #2
There’s Laces Stupid, and then there’s Velcro Stupid.
Anvil Springstien.
Related:
Post Card Home #1
Posted: March 6, 2015 in Current Affairs, History, Humour, Politics, Religion, Stuff
Related:
Post Card Home #1
Sorry, had a tech-fart yesterday and couldn’t work out how the new WordPress editor worked when linking to Facebook – it doesn’t, at least not very well. Could be just old age on my part, of course?
Apologies to the people who ‘liked’ it on Facebook but were then deleted along with the photo – yes, it was me who deleted you – not the Caliphate Technical Department. Don’t worry, I think all their skills lean towards video production and photoshop workshops at the moment?
Mind you, credit where credit is due, they’ve done a great job on ‘Jihadi John’ – and that’s not just down to technical prowess, lighting, makeup etc.
A good management team is worth a million virgins as far as I’m concerned.
Believe me, I’ve been there.
Still, good management aside, John ought to be careful to not become a victim of his own success. He is huge now, granted. The Donny Osmond / John Bishop of his day. The Poster Boy of Islamism. How many young pre-pubescent Jihadi’s – male and female, swoon at the sight of those dark North London eyes. But to paraphrase John Lennon – where coincidentally he gets his stage name from; he’s now bigger than Allah – and here lies John’s problem… at some point someone in the Caliphate production hierarchy is going to start thinking ‘Idolatry‘ – and that’s not good. Certainly not for John’s career.
It’s hardly a new phenomena. Both Karl Marx and Max Weber warned us years ago regarding the dangers of the Cult of Personality, especially it’s tendency to divinisation under totalitarian States as they attempt to control the media. Just look at what happened to ‘Uncle Joe’. Yes, he may well become a victim of his own success.
If I were John I’d be feeling a little hot and sweaty around the collar.
Just saying.
Oh and apologies, John, for talking about you in the third person. Everyone says don’t read the reviews, – it’s the first rule of performance, but it’s also the first rule we break, isn’t it, John? I bet you wish you’d had a penny/shekel/insert Isis currency here/diram for every time you’ve Googled “Jihadi John”
Don’t feel embarrassed, John, we’ve all done it.
Besides, fame is a fickle mistress. Cast your mind back to September 2013 and the victorious and strategic al Shabaat attack on the Kenyan Shopping Mall. British Muslim Samantha Lewthwaite – widow of 7/7 bomber Germaine Lindsey, apparently (if our media are to be believed) led and masterminded that glorious attack on unarmed shoppers and their small children. Headlines invoked an image of this ruthless ‘White Widow‘ – an altogether grander monicker than the comparatively bland ‘Jihadi John‘, I might add.
But where is she now, John? Not even chip-paper. Hell, even Seal Team Six get more column inches than the great martyr Bin Laden – and they’re supposed to be anonymous.
My advice would be to get out whilst the going is good – or at least start thinking about a future without fame – it could happen; It’s not just Samantha… look at Rolf Harris, or Keith Chegwin. What if this Caliphate thing doesn’t work out? What if the bubble bursts? What if the gigs stop coming in? Have you anything to fall back on? Can you do a bit of plumbing or painting & decorating? Are those presenting skills transferable?
I’m not thinking Blue Peter here, John – I think that option’s just about gone, to be honest – but I hear Teaching English as a Foreign Language is in big demand in the Middle East.
Sorry, I know, it’s hardly the bright lights… sorry, just a thought, John. I’d hate you to think I was trying to poo poo your success – there’s enough of that in the industry as it is. No, I merely want to point out the pitfalls of a fickle career choice where people rarely think about things like Equity membership or Personal Pension Plans.
Oh, yeah, also hope I haven’t popped any bubbles mentioning the stage name thing? It’s not illegal as long as you use your real name on your Self-Assessment form. Not too sure if the Inland Revenue will see a Jihadi Wife or two as income? I know you will, John, but will they? Let’s hope not, eh. Still, there’s lots of other stuff you can put off against your tax:
Knife; Knife sharpener; Ninja Pyjamas; Eyeliner etc’.
Don’t be late though, John. The buggers just done me for a hundred quid.
Twats!
Ps: Top Tax Tip: If you let them see your mouth on the videos you can claim for toothpaste!
Anvil Springstien.
Related:
This particular leg of the trip began in the Metropolis that is Carnarvon. Leaving that wonderful town – so good
they named it once – I passed a large sign which read, ‘Danger, Turn Back. No Water for the Next 600 Miles’, or words to that effect.
They’d lied. There was rainwater in Gascoyne Junction – and beer.
In the road house that night, after a brief trip up into the Kennedy Ranges, I was discussing an off-bitumen 1000k route to Kalgoorlie over a couple of beers with a guy I’d met called Rob Walton. He was riding a BMW 650 and had been for about the last year and a half, solidly. He looked it.
He was persuading me the trip was do-able if I could only carry an 
extra 17 litres of fuel. To put this in perspective the tank of the TTR holds only eight litres of unleaded. A local came and stood next to us at the bar. I said “G’day, mate”, as is the custom. “Where ya gaawin’?”, he drawled. It transpired that his name was Tim. He had piercing blue eyes and a bush-hat that was at least as old as me. He looked really odd. Madness tinged with menace. Too long on his own in the bush.
I traced the route on the map with my index finger and asked if he knew the state of the tracks. He informed us that most of roads were washed out and had been since the flood of 2010, that there probably wasn’t any fuel in Sandstone – a town in the bush that we’d have to pass through – and that I’d need a good 4WD vehicle carrying at least three spares. “What rig yer running?”, he asked. I pointed through the window to the TTR 250 motorcycle in the car park. He raised the stubby to his lips, downing the ice-cold amber fluid in five or six gulps. Catching the eye of the Barmaid as the empty hit the bar he said, quite matter-of-factly, “Yer gunna’ die!”
Anvil Springstien.
The Yamaha TTR – Big thanks to Steve & Lorraine Kirk who made the whole trip possible.
Rob Walton on the Meeka’ Road. He swore blind we could save water by drinking hydraulic fluid.
Welcome to ‘The Beta Bar’
Posted: July 14, 2014 in Humour, StuffTags: alcoholism, anvil springstien, beer, begging initiatives, comedians, crowd-funding, crowd-sourcing, pubs
Buy Anvil a Drink!
Crowd-funding has never been so much fun! And now with all with the Security of PayPal, too! Peace of Mind and mild joviality – what more could you ask for? Well, quite a lot more, I imagine? But hey, it’s a hard life and we should all be grateful for what we have – at least that’s what they say, whoever ‘they’ are? Actually, as an aside, someone should point them out – if indeed them are they, as they, quite frankly, could do with a good punching. Anyway, enough of that shit – on with the show…
Welcome to ‘The Beta Bar’, where all the Big Dicks hang out!
Forget Patreon, Ozcrowd, and Indiegogo, now you can watch your seed funding matched penny for penny with alcohol consumption! The process is simple: every drink your hard earned money buys, allows Anvil to spend an equal amount of money on the development of this site once he has sobered up.*
(*see small print)
Easy, isn’t it. And everybody wins! You’ll feel warm just knowing that Anvil feels good. You’ll feel good just knowing that Anvil feels better. And you’ll feel great in the knowledge that Anvil is totally shitfaced and laying face down in a monsoon ditch.
Yes, you can now support this site by allowing Anvil to focus his meager finances solely on providing increased quality content, both written and AV, whilst simultaneously continuing to maintain a rather high Blood Alcohol Content courtesy of your wonderful kindness.
Simply choose your level of support from the Happy Hour Menu below where you can pop in and quickly nip to the bar for a fast one, or stay all night and get trashed:
What You Have To Do:
Simply click on the beverage or food item you wish to purchase for Anvil, and you’ll be whisked away to our PayPal portal – don’t worry, you can change your mind once you’re there – seriously though, buying booze for people with a drink problem has never been so easy, or so secure.
You don’t even need to have a PayPal account of your own!
What I Have To Do:
Pledge (and small print): I, Anvil Springstien, being presently sober(ish) and of sound(ish) mind, do hereby declare to abide by the promise to consume all donations of alcohol/food, by type or accepted equivalence, and, moreover, to match aforesaid donations with similar financial/work input into the website/blog/comedy mausoleum known generally, legally, and specifically as anvilspringstien.com and hereby and forever forthwith regarded to as ‘The Site’ as it’s easier to write. Witnessed this 14th Day of July in the year of the Sweet Baby Jesus Blah Blah Blah, Big Red Stamp.
Note: All prices Australian Dollars ($AU) and are correct as post went to print.
Approximate Conversions:
- 1 Pound Sterling = 1.82 Dollar AU
- 1 Dollar US = 1.06 Dollar AU
- 1 Euro = 1.45 Dollar AU
The Happy Hour Menu:
Anvil’s Favourite Tipple. Coopers Pale Ale. That’s $6.50 AU that can be now be spent on more colourful Site Paint! Or go towards a new Theme or at least some new wallpaper?
Ooh, Jameson’s… lovely, and another $7.00 AU on blogboard for repairs to the site’s back walls where the water gets in after heavy rain. Great for the ulcer, too – makes one appreciate the Ying and the Yang. The Pleasure and the Pain.
You can’t have a Pint without Nibbles! Another batch of Letters – Sans Serif. Only $4.75 AU – allowing Anvil to create proper words and throw out all thoughs cheep misspelt wons. It’s never been the same since we outsourced words to China.
Well, if yer goin’ the Bar… That’s a Pint, a Chaser, and a bag of Salt & Vinegar crisps, please matey! Another $18.25 AU that Anvil could spend on screen ink! Especially the Black screen ink as it’s more visible against the white background. Got ripped off with all that cheap white screen ink last year. Doh!
Cor, Two Rounds – What a gent! $36.50 AU will nearly pay for all these Yellow buttons. Need the loo, excuse me… We’ll be Ad’ free before you can say, ‘Fuck me, I’m fucking fucked, yer fuckin’ fucker’!
Wow! Three Pints, three Chasers, three bags of Crisps – That’s the whole evening more or less paid for? I Fuckin’ love you. I really do. Oops, gorra’ go… Christ, hey, once you’ve had that first three pint power piss, eh! $54.75 AU. I can just picture looking through the WordPress ‘Premium’ upgrades and trying to focus… hic! Mmmm, upgrades. Mmmm, premium.
Well almost the whole night paid for. You know you shouldn’t but you just can’t say no, can yer! Cheap as chips but not as edible at $8.75 AU.
How did I know you were gonna’ do that? $63.50 AU, Ya Bassa! It’s great when someone lashes you up all night, innit! Think we’ll need a Taxi at this rate? Shit, Taxi? I’ll need another bloody button?
Collect The Set!
Any of the eight will get you in the ‘BIG DICK’ Hall of Fame, which basically means I’ll write your name below this text or get some stickers printed that say something like ‘I got Anvil blatted!’, or something like that next to a comedic picture of a large penis? A Full Monty will get special attention and be written in Bold or Italic – or even Both.
I’ve arranged with PayPal to allow a brief Salutation or Message upon completion of your investment which will accompany your name below.
A Word to the Wise…
There will, of course, be the haters, the naysayers, and the doubters. People who will shake their heads at the new, turn their backs to the innovative, ignore the game-changer in plain sight. To those I can say only this, I came up with this idea half-way through a liter bottle of duty free Gin earlier this evening… I’ve just thrown the empty bottle in the bin. Nuff said yer fucka! Crack open the Jameson’s!
Sláinte
(every Backer will have their good health cheered thus)
Anvil Springstien.
Addendum: The Morning After the Night Before
Christ, my head hurts? I’ve just woken up and, after a cup or two of very strong tea, slowly started to piece together the events of last night? The paper-trail began with the strobing screen of my laptop. Easily remedied by the removal of the rather large and quite empty bottle of Gordon’s gin that was lying across the keyboard depressing an irrepeatable (is that a word?) combination of keys.
The screen slowed like an impatient fruit-machine and clunked to a stop on a blog post I’d been writing whilst obviously under the influence of gin and therefore the devil. It’s at times like this I rush to check my phone log, email sent box, facebook page etcetera, to see what bridges have been burnt throughout the period of inebriation. Fortunately the blog post had held my full attention.
I’d just finished reading through the above post and was tentatively about to follow the links to PayPal when my email client pinged – It was PayPal congratulating me on my first sale!
What?
I’ve just checked through the links – they all work. I’ve checked the PayPal account and it’s all set up correctly. I’ve just checked my first backer – who is about to be listed in the Big Dick Hall of Fame, below, and everything is kosher.
What more proof do you need that this system of Crowd-Funding works?
As if that wasn’t enough, my notepad next to the overly hot lap-top has numerous sketch-notes for future blog-posts concerning an alien entity who travels to Earth by utilising the uterus of a middle eastern teenager as a Stargate. They are provisionally titled ‘Space Jew’, and ‘Space Jew II – The Awakening’.
I will not be able to make sense of these notes without you. Without your help I will not be able to release the creative demon that lies within. Remember, this is not a scam. I will not secretly use your investment to buy groceries, or milk. No, 100% of your purchase will be spent exactly according to your wishes. I may/may not develop a young child in need of a life saving operation at some future date solely at my discretion.
The Big Dick Hall of Fame
Ms Jan Pugh.
Newcastle upon Tyne. United Kingdom. PINT! Salutation: “Hold the pint in your right hand and press it to the left side of your chest while you say the magic words “Stevie G is a God”. YNWA. Love you, MJP x.”
Anvil sez: Sláinte, Ms Pugh! I hope your purchasing experience was as easy as it looks, A big hug to you, too x
Mick Ferry.
Oldham. United Kingdom. DRINK: PENDING. Salutation: PENDING
Anvil sez: Are you going to the friggin’ bar then, Ferry, or what? I’ll have a whiskey!
Sam Park.
Köln. Germany. Full Round! Salutation: “Get a Full Round In!”
Anvil sez: Sláinte, Girl! Already had enough booze to change the site theme – hope you like it. xxx
Jason Cook.
United Kingdom. Pint! Salutation: “Add to mouth. Repeat as required. MUST be drunk to excess.”
Anvil sez: Sláinte, Mr Cook, May your cock be as firm as your pen. x
John Miles.
Austen, Tx, USA. Chaser! Salutation: “Two fingers from a Redneck to an Aussie!”
Anvil sez: Sláinte, Mr Mills. You’re confused as to my nationality but hey, no worries, too easy, no dramas, mate. What’s tha Skip’? Kiddie down a well? x
Silas Ferne
Newport News, Va. USA. DRINK: PENDING. Salutation: PENDING.
Anvil sez: Sláinte, My Hamshank friend, an email saying you will buy me a drink is simply not good enough. I can’t drink an email! Please click on the PayPal button of your choice and put your money where your mouth is. You are supporting art for fucks sake!
Steven Kirk – Pert to Perth DVD
Ellenbrook. Western Australia. A Full Round! Salutation: “Get a full round in!”
Anvil sez: Sláinte Steven! That hardly seems fair seeing as you fed me last night as well! Follow the link and buy this great mans DVD – it’s awesome as we say in Strayaaa!
Jane Kay Park.
Newcastle upon Tyne, United Kingdom. A Full Round! Salutation: “Don’t forget the Solpadine! xx”
Anvil sez: Sláinte, Grandma Parkie! I’ll return that drink at Crimbo!
Kai Militzer.
Germany. A Pint! Salutation: None
Anvil sez: Sláinte, Danke schoen, Kai. I’ll buy a nice cold German blonde with that. Leave as message next time!
Rob Brown.
Newcastle upon Tyne, United Kingdom. A Full Round! Salutation: None
Anvil sez: Sláinte, Hope the gardening is looking up. Here’s to an Indian Summer, hic! x
Nick Munby
Berlin. Germany. The Full Monty! Salutation: None
Anvil sez: Sláinte, Hope Berlin is treating you well, my old friend x
Cory Brooks.
Perth. Western Australia. A Full Round! Salutation: Booze or fuel for you bucko. Safe travels! p.s. Did I tell you I bought the KLR yet? 🙂
Anvil sez: Sláinte, Can’t wait to see the KLR! I’ve split it fifty fifty on Booze and Fuel. Cheers matey!
Chris Donald.
Newcastle upon Tyne. United Kingdom. A Pint! Salutation: Cheers Pal!
Anvil sez: Sláinte, Cheers Chris! Hope the weather ain’t too bad up there just yet.
Paul White.
Leeds. United Kingdom. A Full Round! Salutation: None.
Anvil sez: Sláinte, Cheers Silky! Have a Great Crimbo and enjoy those gigs!
A DRUNKEN NOTE:
Certificates of Entry into The Big Dick Hall of Fame will appear in your email client in-box as soon as I sober up.
ANOTHER DRUNKEN NOTE:
A reply to our American Cousins who have asked what a ‘Geordie Accent’ is – as mentioned in the ‘News’ section. I’m presently writing a piece on ”Geordies and their accent, so watch out for that, but briefly whilst I’m drunk:
Geordies are denizens of the North East of England. So called because of their historic support of King George in one of the many wars between England and Scotland.
Famous for their impenetrable dialect, speakers of which were used during the second world war to confound the enemy who were intercepting allied radio communications.
These speakers were known as ‘Windtalkers’ and their story was told in the 2002 movie of that name starring Nicholas Cage, where Hollywood infamously re-wrote history replacing the British Army’s Geordie Lads and Lasses with US Marines and native american Navajo Indians.
Upon its release outside of the US, it was seen as both implausible and shameful – though quite comical – to watch native american actors mimic the now famous words, “KeeeGan! KeeeGan! KeeeGan! LeekNackTheFookinFookahsYaFuckah!!” which translates literally as, “One may as well attack as one has no defence”.
Perth Fringe Dates Released 2014
Posted: December 12, 2013 in Humour, meVolution, StuffTags: comedy, Fringe, Fringeworld, Perth, Perth Fringe, Stand Up
meVolution – a journey in life and stand-up comedy by Anvil Springstien
(click poster to enlarge)
me•v•o•lu•tion [mee-v-uh-loo-shuhn or, esp’ Brit., mee-vuh-] Any process of formation or growth; self-development: ex’: 1- the evolution of language; 2 – change across successive generations in the heritable characteristics of biological entities. 3 – a made-up name for the hilarious new stand-up show from UK writer & comedian Anvil Springstien.
Origin: United Kingdom
Genre: Comedy
Venue/s: Rosie O’Grady’s Northbridge
Dates: Thursday 13 Feb’ 2014 to Tuesday 18 Feb’ 2014
Buy Tickets for any of the Fringe shows by simply scanning the code below or by visiting:
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
meVolution is presented in association with
(click to enlarge)
Buy Tickets @ www.fringeworld.com.au
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Anvil Springstien will also be performing at the following shows throughout the Fringe – Watch this space for additional shows:
Aaaaaaaargh! It’s the Best of Fringe Comedy from the United Kingdom
‘After three sell-out years at the Adelaide Fringe, a sell-out Melbourne International Comedy Festival run in 2013, and 10 years of full houses at the Edinburgh Fringe, Laughing Horse Comedy rides in to Perth with some of the finest UK and international comedians to hit the Fringe, along with some of the best international performers that have visited the UK to perform at the worlds largest Fringe in Edinburgh.’
(click to enlarge)
‘Presenting a sensational smorgasbord of comedic talent, ‘Aaaaaaaargh!’ brings you a comedy-club line-up featuring four top comedians for the price of one! All the comedians are hand-picked from shows all around the Fringe, with a night-out of top laughs that is different at every show.’
‘There’s three top comedians each night, and resident Host Nik Coppin (“Charmingly Hilarious” – Rip it Up; “Fast paced, witty, fun and amazing” – Melbourne Comedy Festival). A great way to sample a selection of the best comedy at the Fringe.’
Daily show line-ups can be found on http://www.laughinghorseperth.com
Buy Tickets @ www.fringeworld.com.au
VENUE: CIRCUS THEATRE. THE PERTH CULTURAL CENTRE, NORTHBRIDGE, WA _______________________________________________________________________________________________
click to enlarge
“Poverty is not an accident, Like slavery and apartheid, it is man made and can be removed by the actions of human beings.”
Nelson Mandela
18 July 1918 – 5 December 2013
Upon his release the phones started ringing. People knocked on each others doors, grabbed coats, kids, food, musical instruments and alcohol, and headed for the city centre. Trickles of people became streams which became rivers. Before we got there the City Council had opened the Civic Hall. A couple of bands were setting up an impromptu stage. People were hugging one another. There was a conga… I recall a few people stood up and spoke some words. Some people were crying. There was a South African Anti-Apartheid Choir. I don’t remember much else? Just joy.
He made us believe we could change things.
Anvil Springstien.
meVolution 