Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

#fifa

Pakistan Ready to Kick Off!

Pakistani Minister for Tourism, Sport & Religious Obedience, Mr Syed Mumtaz Alam Gillani, has said in a statement earlier today that Pakistan is ready to step in and co-host the World Cup with Afganistan should FIFA or other relevant authorities find fault with the 2018 or 2022 bids.

Mr Syed Mumtaz Alam Gillani stated that Pakistan has the infrastructure and stadia already in place and could rapidly remove gallows and lay new turf at a moment’s notice.

A member of the Quatari Football Association, who wished to remain anonymous, questioned Pakistan’s ability to host the competition pointing to its backlog of over 8,000 awaiting executions. Countering this Mr Syed Mumtaz Alam Gillani said that most had already ‘exhausted their appeals process [whilst others] … could be rushed through’.

Meanwhile, President Putin assured Pakistan that they had “nothing to fear” from a Russian invasion even if such an invasion was to occur.

In other news, members of the Westboro Babtist Church head for Canada under the banner ‘God Hates Women Footballers’.

A spokesperson for Isis said they are “considering their position’.

#FreeRaif

Let there be no compulsion in religion: truth stands out clear from error*:

256 of Al-Baqara

468x283_raif_badawi

 

Not much to state here apart from disgust at the treatment of blogger and Saudi national, Raif Badawi for the heinous crime of ‘insulting Islam through electronic channels’. The thugs and gangsters that control his country have upheld the sentence of one thousand lashes and ten years imprisonment for encouraging debate on religious and political issues.

[wiki link HERE] – [some of Raif’s blog posts HERE via Ian Black @ The Guardian]

They themselves had debated, earlier, as to whether Raif had actually committed apostasy – that’s leaving the faith, punishable by death. It’s confusing, I know, but when you’re making shit up as you go along your train of thought can get kinda’ messy. Here’s how it can go… follow the logic here, Campers: to question is to blaspheme, blasphemy is disobedience to submission, disobedience to submission is insulting to Islam, an insult to Islam is a rejection of the faith, a rejection of the faith is the same as leaving the faith, leaving the faith is apostasy, apostasy is punishable by death.

Simples.

The level of linguistic gymnastics required to get from an imaginary theocratic misdemeanor to a capital crime is staggering and thus is generally seen as the purview of the wisdom of the Scholar or Jurist, but… this can often be abrogated in various Islamic jurisdictions – presumably for the logically challenged – by simply applying the death penalty directly to blasphemy.

I’m not too sure how this works region by region? It may have something to do with local SAT scores?

It does save both time and thought, though, which is handy as, let’s face it, most of these clowns – sorry, Scholars, are hardly the sharpest scimitars in the knife draw. It’s what comes of spending valuable educational time trying to work out whether a telescope, or a cat, is un-islamic or not.

Can you imagine trying to write under a regime such as this?

Can you imagine living in a society unsure as to whether your next word or action could be twisted to justify your imprisonment or death at the hands of the state.

Picture yourself living in a society where the tyrannical finger of accusation could cause you to be burnt alive – as happened to tens of thousands of women in the Middle-Ages for the imaginary crime of witchcraft, and continues to this day in Christian Africa and Hindu India.

Imagine living in a society where some fuckwit of a neighbour, offended or insulted by you – or merely having a keen eye on your new lawn-mower, could utter the word blasphemy and watch as you are beaten to death by a mob – and this implicitly condoned by the state, as happens today in Pakistan and elsewhere.

A prerequisite against such tyrannies is the encouragement, development and protection of free-speech. It is free speech and freedom of expression which guaranties freedom of thought, and it is freedom of thought, unconstrained by the inability to impart or receive information, which will allow us to attain anything that we may legitimately regard as wisdom.

I hate to sound like some kind of Social Justice Warrior here, but these people are just twats. Okay, David Cameron is a twat, too, but I at least get to call the twat a twat without my front door being kicked in. Watch:

“David Cameron is a fucking twat!”

See. No doors kicked in. No baying mob with burning torches.

I don’t doubt that freedom of speech has its problems: privacy; incitement to violence; lies; commercial interest; the media; fuckwit neighbours; the curtailment of wealth to buy access to the media; some twat calling you a twat, to name but a few, but these are issues that are only solved by the greater application of the very thing that raises these issues – more freedom of speech.

The problems of free speech are solved, in the main, by free speech itself. We do not solve the problems of free speech by having less free speech. We do not solve the problems of free speech by allowing groups, individuals or states the ability to deem what can and cannot be spoken of.

This is why freedom of speech must go hand in hand with a secular state.

No ideas, concepts or ideologies should be immune from discussion, debate, criticism, irreverence or mockery. What is sacred to me may not be sacred to you. I cannot be allowed to stifle or stop your opinion of what is sacred to me – especially when what is sacred to me may have implications as to how you may live your life.

We live in a time where freedom of speech is constantly under threat. Where media manipulation can win elections or, worse still, take nations into illegal wars. The world, my friends, is full of twats.

We need to be in state of constant vigilance against twatism.

Tony Blair, Arch Twat, [who really should be in the dock at the Hague] and a man supposedly steeped in the history of democracy will soon – having resigned as Middle East Peace Envoy [sic] – take up a new role as Chair of the European Council on Tolerance and Reconciliation (ECTR) an organisation that promotes a tougher stance on extremism – particularly anti-semitism – and one that also seeks to impose a law across Europe that will make Holocaust denial a criminal offence.

Do we really want to censure or even imprison people for believing the delusion that something that happened, never really happened at all? Or for holding a thought or idea that may offend us?

We could, of course, choose the cheaper ‘free speech’ route and simply ask them to put up or shut up – to justify their claims with evidence, with reason, and with logic. In failing to meet these requirements they could simply be banished from public discourse to those shadowy parts of the web inhabited by truthers, birthers, and people who have been probed, to be made available occasionaly for universal mockery or filed forever under the letter ‘T’.

This strategy may not lie well for groups in our society who seek to silence others as they themselves believe in unevidenced things that patently didn’t happen – talking snakes, magic apples, virgin births, zombie gods – yet cling as dearly to their own delusion as the Holocaust deniers do theirs. These very same people – people presently lauded in our society and given high office – hold thoughts that are, in my view, as despicable, immoral and objectionable as the people they seek to silence. They should remain, however, as entitled to these views as their opponents and I would defend this entitlement to my last breath.

That said, I’d want these Twats in Hats out of the House of Lords, chop chop – another reason to demand a secular state.

Listen up… I want to know what Holocaust deniers are saying. I want to confront their evidence. I want to know who they are and why they are saying what they are saying. However unpalatable that may seem to me.

Without debate there can be no democracy.

I want to be able to take part in that debate.

I want to be able to call a twat a twat.

We need to support people who want to call a twat a twat.

I would appeal to all to click the link to the Amnesty petition. [HERE & below]

Sorry, meant to just quickly post the link to the Amnesty petition – ended up having a bit of a rant. It’s late, I’ll leave the corrections, links and typo’s till tomorrow [Yay! Done that now… I think?] as I wanted to get this up. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, I’m not normally one for online petitions, but… SIGN THE FUCKING PETITION!

PETITION – Amnesty International UK – Free Raif Badawi! – PETITION

The Truth only Stands Out Clear from Error when you can distinguish Truth from Error.

Anvil Springstien.

bbc_Raif_badawi

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This from Amnesty International:

 

Someone present at Raif Badawi’s public flogging on 9 January described this account of Raif’s flogging for us. The witness has not been identified for security reasons.

‘When the worshippers saw the police van outside the mosque, they knew someone would be flogged today.

They gathered in a circle. Passers-by joined them and the crowd grew. But no one knew why the man brought forward was about to be punished. Is he a killer, they asked? A criminal? Does he not pray?

Raif Badawi had been brought to the square in front of al-Jafali mosque in Jeddah just after midday. There was a huge security presence – not just accompanying Raif but also in the streets and around the mosque. Some roads had also been closed.

Raif was escorted from a bus and placed in the middle of the crowd, guarded by eight or nine officers. He was handcuffed and shackled but his face was not covered – everyone could see his face.

Still shackled, Raif stood up in the middle of the crowd. He was dressed in a pair of trousers and a shirt.

A security officer approached him from behind with a huge cane and started beating him.

Raif raised his head towards the sky, closing his eyes and arching his back. He was silent, but you could tell from his face and his body that he was in real pain.

The officer beat Raif on his back and legs, counting the lashes until they reached 50.

The punishment took about 5 minutes. It was very quick, with no break in between lashes.

When it was over, the crowd shouted, “Allah-hu Akbar! Allah-hu Akbar!” – as if Raif had been purified.

Raif was taken away in the bus, back to prison. The whole scene had lasted less than half an hour.’

:

This from Ian Black. Middle East Editor. The Guardian

7th January 2015 [in reference to the Charley Hebdo attack]

Saudi Arabia called it a “cowardly terrorist attack that was rejected by the true Islamic religion”. The Arab League and Egypt’s al-Azhar university – the leading theological institution in the Sunni Muslim world – also denounced the incident in which masked gunmen shouted “Allahu Akbar” – “god is great ” in Arabic.

[See what these twats did here?]

:

Note:

The article title is taken from one of the most used verses in the Qur’an:

“Let there be no compulsion in religion: truth stands out clear from error*:”

256 of Al-Baqara

*Caution: Doublespeak Alert: May not mean what you think it means. May mean that there is Compulsion in Religion after all. May mean that Truth may not stand out clear from Error. May only apply during times of War. May only apply during times of Peace. May apply only to Infidels. May apply only to Muslims. May apply to Third Party’s. Always consult a Qualified Scholar. Always read the small-print. Contents may settle. The Truth only stands out clear from Error when you can distinguish Truth from Error.

#EveryPictureTellsaStory

I’d always thought that the Military – any Military – was rather absurd and infantile in the paraphernalia they would produce in order to impress both themselves and others. Marching in time, especially goosestepping and the various exaggerated movement associated with this, seemed to me to be particularly humorous. I could never get away from the fact that someone had made it all up, so to speak. It all seemed so, well… juvenile.

Probably why I laughed so much at Monty Python’s The Ministry of Silly Walks.

I then (this morning) came across a shot of a certain Mr Baghdadi, Supreme and Glorious Leader (now rumoured to be dead) of a bunch of simple-minded thugs who have been persuaded that really really bad things are, in actuality, really really good things. Ah, yes, isn’t all religion simply wonderful. Main title card of Charlie's Angels

In this particular shot, Mr Baghdadi and his cohorts appear to be auditioning for a spaghetti western.  The pure childishness of the image took me back for – and I hate to say this but – I’ve been there: I joined the Armed Forces when I was sixteen years old. My first priority was to get hold of a weapon; my second, to get hold of someone with a camera to take a shot of me with said weapon. I can still recall how I held it for the camera. Juvenile, I know – but then in my defence, I, at least, was a juvenile.

The Baghdadi shot itself appears to be a rip-off of a late 70’s TV show called Charley’s Angels – hold on, I’ll do a quick Google… Yup, You can see the similarity, can’t you?

After I’d stopped laughing I became intrigued as to what must have went on during the actual ‘photo shoot‘: what must have been said; who was telling who to do what?

I penned a (rather rushed) scenario which barely competes with the hilarity of simply looking at the antics of these grown men in the original photograph. I’ll re-write it when I get some time, hopefully funny it up.

Meanwhile: Apologies for spoiling the humour.

Photoshoot

photoshoot

“Okay, five minutes everybody! Hurry up with those sandwiches and please, darlings, wipe you’re mouths. The last thing the world wants to see is a Jihadi with bacon and tomato ketchup on his upper lip.”

“Tea cups back on the pick-up, and if you need to go, then please, please, please go now”

“Anyone seen the yellow flag? Anyone? Listen up everybody. Bit of hush. Did someone pick up the yellow flag? No, darling, that’s black. Yellow – like custard… like a banana? Oh, thank goodness… thank you, James – that’s my whole vision for the shot, right there. Phew.”

“Okay, Stevie, if you go into my bag in the first pick-up you’ll find a large roll of grey gaffa-tape. I’d like the yellow flag taped to the tea-urn and placed here, and then we’ll build the shot around it…”

“Well then, put a heavy rock in it and we’ll clean it out before lunch. Yes, I know it’s got a Man United crest on it but it won’t be in the shot.”

“Can we have all the people who have a black flag to line up here, please… and everyone with an assault rifle… if you can just spread yourselves in between starting with the fat guy on the left?”

“Brilliant!” Sorry? Okay, darling, big boned it is. No offence meant.”

“Perhaps those without shoes in the middle?”

“Great!”

“Pistols now, people! Attention everybody or we’ll be here all day. Look, I know it’s hot but the sooner we get this done the sooner… thank you.”

“So pistols in a flying ‘V’ formation here, with Mr Baghdadi here at the front?”

“Yes, yes, on one knee would look really cool!”

“Yes, just like Daniel Craig in James Bond, Mr Baghdadi!”

“Okay, Let’s look at you all… hmm, the guy with the red band and the Liver Bird on your balaclava? Sorry? A present from your Gran? Er, okay, can we have you in the middle then, just behind the tea-urn?”

“Fantastic.”

“Could we possibly turn it inside out so we can lose the Liver Bird?”

“Wonderful.”

“You’re all stars, people! Nearly there.”

“Now. Motivation. I want you all to imagine… imagine that you’re protecting something very valuable – the most valuable thing you could ever think of. Your wife, or your first born child.”

“Sorry?”

“Yes, it could be the tea-urn I suppose?”

“Why not? In your imagination it could be a solid gold tea-urn!”

“Okay, imagine that the tea-urn is a golden tea-urn and you’re protecting it with your very lives.”

“Yes of course, down to the last brave warrior of Islam.”

“No, not quite like The Alamo?”

Magical? If that’s what you want.”

“No, no, not Custer’s Last Stand?”

Well, because they were both battles that were…”

“Yes, yes ‘Knights of the Magical Golden Tea-Urn’ – very good, Mr Baghdadi, another brilliant thought!”

“No, no, not… okay, yes, why not. Dragons.”

“Well, yes, I suppose the tea would give you magic powers if you drank it?”

“Look, c’mon, look everybody, hush now! Let’s just stick with the ‘Knights of the Magical Golden Tea Urn’, okay? You’re protecting the Magical Golden Tea Urn from an attack by fire breathing dragons but you’re protected from fire because you’ve all drunk the magic tea of life”

“Okay… hold that look… pistols a tad higher….”

“Say CHEESE!”

photoshoot

‘Knights of the Magical Golden Tea-Urn’

So proud to be Irish today…

JeSuisIrishRainbowPlain

Anvil Patrick Michael Seamus O’Springstien

Loosely Related: ‘Good Morning, Ireland’ – ‘Talking Out of Your Hat’

Good morning, Ireland.

Today is your big day. Today you get the chance to show the world you have shaken off the shackles imposed by that most corrupt of institutions, the Catholic Church. Today you get the chance to take your seat at the grown-ups table. Today you get the chance to lead the world by stating in three small letters that equality is a bigger word than inequality.

Today you get the chance to shout ‘Yes!’yes image

It really is your Rosa Parks moment, isn’t it. How are you coping? Bit stressed? I’ll bet.

I’ve been watching the debate from this side of the water. It’s been impassioned and heated and those opposed to equality have at times resorted to equivocation at best and downright distraction at worse:

The church, in the shape of the Iona Institute and Mothers & Fathers Matter, have been busily tugging at the proverbial ‘What About The Poor Little Children‘ heart-strings by stating the obvious fact that you can’t replace the love of a mother (in the case of two gay fathers), or the love of a father (in the case of two gay mothers) without ever telling us just exactly how they know this?

In the absence of facts I’ve yet to see any of them pointing at Elton John’s kids saying, “See! See what a pack of bastards they turned out to be!” Or Rosie O’Donnell’s kids. Or Jodie Foster’s kids. Or any gay couples kids for that matter.

They fail of course to mention that this irreplaceable love is not so much replaced as lost completely in the heterosexual divorce courts on a daily basis. Or, for that matter, where research does exist, that it would seem to show that gay couples divorce each other less frequently than ‘normal’ couples.

Yes, when it comes to family values and obvious facts, it would appear that, along with dress sense, gay and lesbian couples can really teach us straight buggers a thing or two.

So much for the threat to the institution of marriage that allowing all citizens equal rights before the law will bring. Kinda’ strange to hear that giving others the same rights that you have will somehow dilute those very rights rather than strengthen them.

The more shameless of those opposing equality have also – quoting US statistics – insinuated that ‘fatherless’ children are more likely to end up in prison, or on drugs, though what this has to do with the argument at hand is quite frankly beyond me? Are these US statistics stating that the offspring of lesbian couples are more likely to commit crime or be addicted to drugs? Of course not. No more so than they state that offspring of lesbian couples will be green with purple hair. It is patent nonsense.

Then why mention this at all?

The answer is obvious. It is the scatter-gun approach to argument:

Smoke and Mirrors; Confusion; Obfuscation; Equivocation; An appeal to tradition; An appeal to the norm.

These are the tactics employed by a regime that has watched its power base being swept from under it by reason, rationalism, and the very public exposition of its own corrupt, malign, and immoral nature.

Interesting, then, to observe the obvious frustration at their inability to play the ‘kiddie fiddler’ card – the unspoken assumption that historically associates gay men with paedophilia. The unspoken assumption that I’ve seen reflected in the vox-pops of your older generation nightly on TV, the, “It’s not right” and, “Think of the poor children“, where the agents of the church can only nod in unspoken agreement, hands clasped in a tight-lipped communion of deceit.

When the lies and the fear-mongering are swept aside there is only one question that you have to ask yourself today: are you in favour of equality?

Well, are you? Do you think that anyone should be treated less equally than you? Do you think that other people should be allowed the same rights as you under the law? Do you think that we should all be allowed to sit at the same table… on the same seats… on the same bus? Or do you think like one ageing Irishman I recently spoke to who was “All for Equality…” but thought that this time it had, ”… gone too far”.

What part of equal do you think goes too far?

This is your Rosa Parks moment, Ireland. It’s time to make history.

Depending on the turnout it may yet go down to the wire. The polls all say it is the youth of Ireland that will carry the day – if they get out to vote – that this referendum is about a young and vibrant new Ireland facing up to the challenges of a modern world. That may be so – I hope it is, but perhaps it may also be worth sparing a thought to the many gay and lesbian Irish people among these older generations. There is no less a percentage among them than among these vibrant Irish youth.

Homosexuality is not a lifestyle choice.

They are there. They are many. They have been there forever. Hidden by dogma. Condemned to isolated, lonely, loveless lives – or forced into living one hell of a lie. The youth of Ireland are not just voting for themselves. This vote will be for those older people, too.

This is your Rosa Parks moment, Ireland. Grab hold of the seat in front of you. Don’t budge. Not one inch. It’s time to stop this bus.

Anvil Springstien.

Loosely related: ‘Talking Out of Your Hat’. –  ‘Dear Tom Daley…’

I’ve long held to the conviction that if your belief – and by belief I mean belief in anything – involved the wearing of headgear of any sort then I could dismiss said belief fairly rapidly. For example: someone could make a claim as in ‘I believe in such and such’, and I would respond with: ‘Does it necessitate the wearing of a hat?’ An answer to the affirmative would allow me to instantly dismiss said claim and get on with the more important things in life such as removing scratch-card residue from beneath my fingernails.

jewish Orthodox hatThe General Rule of Hat

This has held me in good stead for a number of years. Oft times people would walk up to me in pubs and ask: ‘Can I interest you in the Theory of Evolution through Natural Selection?’, and I would say: ‘Do I have to wear a hat?’, and they would say, ‘Sorry?’, and I, satisfied with the successful application of The General Rule of Hat,  would respond, ‘Oh, nothing… please, do continue.

Of course you must understand that this is just a General Rule of Hat. It’s not absolute. There are exceptions:

For example, occasionally I find myself fairly deep into a debate, discussion or conversation before coming to the realisation that a hat is about to make an tinfoil-Hatappearance. This usually happens at bus-stops and involves a large sheet of aluminium foil.

Fortunately society generally accepts that these people have a problem involving mental health and help is readily available.

Other times people are aware you employ a hat-filter and will deliberately hide the hat until a later time and then produce it in a ‘Tadaah!’ moment. Hat-wearers debating morality tend to adopt this tactic. One agrees on the immorality of, say for example, murder, rape, theft and slavery; you then bother to go into a long and detailed explanation of how one arrives at this moral position, when suddenly, ‘Tadaah!’ – a hat is produced and morality and immorality turn out to be at the discretionary whim of an invisible Magic Hat-Maker who lives in the Great Milliners in the Sky.

Voltaire perhaps should have said that in general good people will do good things and bad people will do bad things, but to make a good person do bad things, well, that takes a hat.

Currently No Help Available

More disingenuous folk will try to foster the illusion that no hat is required in their belief at all – even though after a short while in their company it becomes apparent, or at least implicit, that their place of abode holds a large wardrobe simply bursting with hats. bishops hatProponents of Intelligent Design and Irreducible Complexity, and the various forms of the Cosmological argument, are particularly adept at trying to employ this ‘Look, No Hats!’ stratagem – almost to the point of self-delusion: ‘Hat? What Hat? I see no Hat?

Hat-denial, it must be said, can be quite humorous to see – similar to watching someone play ‘whack-a-mole’, but with hats. Rational observers generally accept that these people have a problem involving mental hygiene. There is currently no help available for these people.

Still, those few exceptions aside, I hold great confidence in The General Rule of Hat. So much so that over time I’d expanded my thesis to include an inverse relationship between the size or grandeur of the hat worn and the amount of sense that would spew from the mouth positioned directly beneath it. The bigger the hat, the lesser the sense. Recently though, I’ve started to reassess this relativity aspect of The General Rule of Hat:

It began with the usual mid-spring reportage surrounding the activities of the Iranian religious police. As the sun starts to shine and temperatures soar, Iranian women, after being wrapped up all winter, begin to shed a few layers. This apparently gets the blood gushing through Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s old veins and, in order to avoid committing a very catholic sin, he grabs his hat and immediately starts talking out of it. This invariably results in a crackdown by the religious police involving such things as revealing or tight clothing; western hairstyles; hair colour; make-up and the like. It happens every year around this time and it’s about as newsworthy as David Cameron’s policies on ending child poverty.

People of The Hat

I myself barely register it anymore – just another part of the background white-noise of religiosity.

Besides, it’s hardly surprising to hear gobbledygook spouting from representatives of any of the three Abrahamic faiths – or People of The Hat, as I collectively refer to them. Yahweh, Yahwehwho started off this damn hat thing, has been responsible for a veritable tea-party of mad-hatters pouring forth nonsense such as stoning disobedient children to death, having the cheeky ones killed by bears, and throwing gay men off tall buildings when a decent mountain can’t be found. It’s normal run-of-the-mill sort of stuff. Abhorrent of course, but hardly, after two thousand years, shocking. This year, though, my interest was briefly piqued by the revelation that Iranian men have now come under the gaze of the grand Ayatollah for the incredibly un-Islamic practise of eyebrow weaving.

Apparently Iranian men, just like blokes here in the west, are becoming more adept at personal grooming, hair care, intimate hygiene and washing behind the ears. Now, being a somewhat largely unreconstructed western male who barely moved beyond the wash, rinse, repeat instructions on the Head & Shoulders bottle, I had absolutely no idea what eyebrow weaving was?

ayatollah

Intrigued, I decided to research the story only to find that eyebrow weaving or threading, rather than some extreme sexual fetish, is a simple procedure for plucking and shaping the eyebrows – and eyebrows in Islam, would you believe, are taken very seriously indeed. So much so that to err in the eyebrow department can severely damage your health – and your afterlife. Get it wrong and you’ll burn in the proverbial fire. No, really, honestly. And the most shocking aspect of all of this? The one thing that had me gasping and short of breath? You guessed it: Hat size! Yes, hat size. Each and every Islamic ‘Scholar’ I consulted/listened to/viewed, wore a hat in accordance with The General Rule of Hat as one might expect – but what became quickly apparent was that their hat size never faltered from the miniscule. For the most part they wore a simple white skull-cap. Hardly Ayatollahesque at all, yet the nonsense that exploded so casually and yet so profusely from their mouths was worthy of the very grandest of hats.

I’d hate to bore you with the seemingly limitless extent to which certain People of the Hat can go on, and on, skullcap hatand on about body hair – so allow me to attempt a brief summation of the salient points:

Islamic men (it’s implicit they’re men) should grow the beard, trim the moustache, shave the pubes, and pluck the armpit hair (ouch!), whilst women of the faith (it’s explicit they’re women) may remove hair from the upper lip, thighs, calves and arms, but on no account should they ever, ever, ever pluck the eyebrows – never – I simply can’t stress this enough. Weaving, threading, plucking – whatever you want to call it, however you want to phrase it, this Allah/Yahweh character doesn’t like it, see’s this as a Major Sin – and will hurt you for doing it.

Yes, it would seem that this Allah/Yahweh geezer really does have a big downer on Islamic women who pluck their eyebrows. As to why? Well, your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps he was knocked-back by some lass with great eyebrows in a previous creation? Either way, we definitely know he doesn’t like it because a big mate of Mohammed – a bloke called ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood’ – said he was out with Mo’ one night and they were chatting on about life, the universe, and everything, as one does, when Mo’ said he’d been chatting with Gabriel (that’s the Archangel Gabriel, yeah?) and Gabriel had said that he’d been chatting earlier still with Allah, and Allah had mentioned in passing that he didn’t like eyebrow plucking at all. Not one little bit. Can’t stand it. Hates it, in fact.

A moment on the lips, a lifetime in the Hadith

I can just imagine Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood’s jaw dropping at this momentous revelation:

Really, Mo’? He actually said that?

Yeah, really went off on one, apparently. And that’s not all…

Hold on, Mo’… let me get a pen”.

He then wrote down what Mohammed had said that Gabriel had said that Allah had said:

Allah has cursed the woman who does tattoos and the one who has them done, the woman who plucks eyebrows and the one who has it done, and the one who files her teeth for the purpose of beauty, altering the creation of Allah.”  [al-Bukhaari, 5931; Muslim, 2125]

And now, all these years later, with Iranian metrosexual men queuing up to use the latest in eyebrow weaving technology, it really does throw a cat amongst the pigeons as to what Allah may actually like or dislike. Does this now apply to men as well as women when we can see that it’s obvious that Allah is pissed-off with a tattooed lass with sharp teeth and cute brows? And doesn’t it seem somewhat bizarre that removing eyebrow hair would alter the creation of Allah whilst a bloke shaving off his pubes would not? Can you see the trouble a seemingly harmless piece of gossip can cause? A moment on the lips, a lifetime in the Hadith. Who knew that Mohammed was such a jangler? The Ayatollah Al Khomeini really does have his work cut out for both him and his hat.

So, what to make of all this? Can we unpack it and make sense out of it at all? The simple answer is ‘No‘. My take on this is that it’s pointless looking for sense in nonsense. The really important thing to take away from all of this – apart from the lesson regarding the dangers of idle chat & tittle-tattle – is that, unfortunately, the size of the hat bears no relation to the quality of stupid beneath it.

This element of the theory has been shown to fail under the weight of the available evidence. It was a falsifiable aspect and has thus been shown to be false. I therefore unequivocally withdraw the relativity aspect of The General Rule of Hat.

Hold on… unless of course the small skullcap is merely symbolic of their inner-hat – which could be fucking immense?

You can throw your own hat into the ring below, if you so wish.

Anvil Springstien.