Archive for the ‘Stuff’ Category

Tragedy Plus Time

Posted: June 12, 2015 in Comedy, Humour, Science, Stuff
Tags: , ,

#(T+t)=C  #TragedyPlusTime

You know you shouldn’t, but…

It is often said that the formula for Comedy is nothing greater than Tragedy Plus Time. So, following this morning’s fortuitous recording of the tragic beating of a six year old child by a member of Her Majesty’s Armed Forces, I decided to put this to the test.

In the interest of full disclosure and to remove an unwanted variable I should add that whilst I have since discovered the little Maisie suffered no long term effects from her ordeal, I was unaware of this at the time.

“(T+t)=C”

(for the experiment the acquisition of ‘C’ is defined as the production of Laughter where ‘C+’ is defined as Laughter plus an involuntary bodily function such as the excretion of a little bit of wee.)

I initially timed this out @ +0.1.2586 seconds.

I then waited exactly ten (0.10.0000) seconds before donning a white lab coat and watching the video again.

Acquiring ‘C’ @ +0.0.3572 seconds, and ‘C+’ @ +0.0.10892, soiling said lab coat.

Thanks for giving us a laugh, Maisie. I hope you got lots of sweets, and an Xbox.

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Anvil Springstien.

#Specsavers

Should’ve gone to Specsavers

A Mountain Spirit in Malaysia took exception to tourists who stripped naked for a photograph and urinated indiscriminatelypictures_showing_foreigners_stripping_off_for_a_photo_on_mount_kinabulu_posted_to_facebook_E1 on a mountain top. The Mountain Spirit, who was not available for comment, responded with a 5.9 earthquake which destroyed property and killed 18 unconnected people.

Local politicians, keen to point out the real perpetrators following the earthquake, demanded a nationwide search for the holiday-makers who were reportedly still in the country.

Most have now given themselves up to police with only two left ‘on the run’.

A tribal leader in the region has demanded payment of ten water buffaloes (male or female) to placate the angry Mountain Spirit, and has graciously offered to ‘look after’ the offering after pointing out that the Mountain Spirit has no hands, “… or legs, or even a head”, he added.

Deity Rage.

The incident is yet another in a long list of errors by deities that have had catastrophic implications for completely innocent people. Gay men in Los Angeles were apparently to be smitten with a tsunami in 2011 for putting the ‘pee pee thing near the poo poo thing’. The tsunami eventually struck thousands of miles away in Indonesia.

The small British town of Carlisle was submerged by a great flood in 2007, again due, according to an informed bishop, to Gayers and a small amount of Lesbianity. Thousands lost their homes and possessions, though a later Pew Poll showed that residents of Carlisle had never even heard the word ‘gay’ and had only seen a black person once, on TV.

Eats Babies
dawkins

Deity Rage Victim, or Inner-Ear infection?

Arch villain and known baby eater, Richard Dawkins, was unavailable for comment following an ‘incident’ at Sao Paulo airport, Brasil. However a spokesperson pretending to speak for him said, in a rather passable accent, “Who do these Deities think they are? For goodness sake!

At present no deity has claimed responsibility for the Sao Paulo incident, though colleague and friend, professor Lawrence Krauss, ‘chick-lit’ author of the bestselling thriller, ‘It Came Out of Nowhere‘ was overheard to say the very accuracy of the smite suggested no metaphysical involvement whatsoever.

The Pope, at a loose end whilst waiting for president Putin to finish looking at gay porn, said, “Hey, somebody pisses on you in an indiscriminate manner, you gonna’ kill a few folk. It’s only natural.

In other news, shares in water buffalo soared.

#fifa

Pakistan Ready to Kick Off!

Pakistani Minister for Tourism, Sport & Religious Obedience, Mr Syed Mumtaz Alam Gillani, has said in a statement earlier today that Pakistan is ready to step in and co-host the World Cup with Afganistan should FIFA or other relevant authorities find fault with the 2018 or 2022 bids.

Mr Syed Mumtaz Alam Gillani stated that Pakistan has the infrastructure and stadia already in place and could rapidly remove gallows and lay new turf at a moment’s notice.

A member of the Quatari Football Association, who wished to remain anonymous, questioned Pakistan’s ability to host the competition pointing to its backlog of over 8,000 awaiting executions. Countering this Mr Syed Mumtaz Alam Gillani said that most had already ‘exhausted their appeals process [whilst others] … could be rushed through’.

Meanwhile, President Putin assured Pakistan that they had “nothing to fear” from a Russian invasion even if such an invasion was to occur.

In other news, members of the Westboro Babtist Church head for Canada under the banner ‘God Hates Women Footballers’.

A spokesperson for Isis said they are “considering their position’.

#FreeRaif

Let there be no compulsion in religion: truth stands out clear from error*:

256 of Al-Baqara

468x283_raif_badawi

 

Not much to state here apart from disgust at the treatment of blogger and Saudi national, Raif Badawi for the heinous crime of ‘insulting Islam through electronic channels’. The thugs and gangsters that control his country have upheld the sentence of one thousand lashes and ten years imprisonment for encouraging debate on religious and political issues.

[wiki link HERE] – [some of Raif’s blog posts HERE via Ian Black @ The Guardian]

They themselves had debated, earlier, as to whether Raif had actually committed apostasy – that’s leaving the faith, punishable by death. It’s confusing, I know, but when you’re making shit up as you go along your train of thought can get kinda’ messy. Here’s how it can go… follow the logic here, Campers: to question is to blaspheme, blasphemy is disobedience to submission, disobedience to submission is insulting to Islam, an insult to Islam is a rejection of the faith, a rejection of the faith is the same as leaving the faith, leaving the faith is apostasy, apostasy is punishable by death.

Simples.

The level of linguistic gymnastics required to get from an imaginary theocratic misdemeanor to a capital crime is staggering and thus is generally seen as the purview of the wisdom of the Scholar or Jurist, but… this can often be abrogated in various Islamic jurisdictions – presumably for the logically challenged – by simply applying the death penalty directly to blasphemy.

I’m not too sure how this works region by region? It may have something to do with local SAT scores?

It does save both time and thought, though, which is handy as, let’s face it, most of these clowns – sorry, Scholars, are hardly the sharpest scimitars in the knife draw. It’s what comes of spending valuable educational time trying to work out whether a telescope, or a cat, is un-islamic or not.

Can you imagine trying to write under a regime such as this?

Can you imagine living in a society unsure as to whether your next word or action could be twisted to justify your imprisonment or death at the hands of the state.

Picture yourself living in a society where the tyrannical finger of accusation could cause you to be burnt alive – as happened to tens of thousands of women in the Middle-Ages for the imaginary crime of witchcraft, and continues to this day in Christian Africa and Hindu India.

Imagine living in a society where some fuckwit of a neighbour, offended or insulted by you – or merely having a keen eye on your new lawn-mower, could utter the word blasphemy and watch as you are beaten to death by a mob – and this implicitly condoned by the state, as happens today in Pakistan and elsewhere.

A prerequisite against such tyrannies is the encouragement, development and protection of free-speech. It is free speech and freedom of expression which guaranties freedom of thought, and it is freedom of thought, unconstrained by the inability to impart or receive information, which will allow us to attain anything that we may legitimately regard as wisdom.

I hate to sound like some kind of Social Justice Warrior here, but these people are just twats. Okay, David Cameron is a twat, too, but I at least get to call the twat a twat without my front door being kicked in. Watch:

“David Cameron is a fucking twat!”

See. No doors kicked in. No baying mob with burning torches.

I don’t doubt that freedom of speech has its problems: privacy; incitement to violence; lies; commercial interest; the media; fuckwit neighbours; the curtailment of wealth to buy access to the media; some twat calling you a twat, to name but a few, but these are issues that are only solved by the greater application of the very thing that raises these issues – more freedom of speech.

The problems of free speech are solved, in the main, by free speech itself. We do not solve the problems of free speech by having less free speech. We do not solve the problems of free speech by allowing groups, individuals or states the ability to deem what can and cannot be spoken of.

This is why freedom of speech must go hand in hand with a secular state.

No ideas, concepts or ideologies should be immune from discussion, debate, criticism, irreverence or mockery. What is sacred to me may not be sacred to you. I cannot be allowed to stifle or stop your opinion of what is sacred to me – especially when what is sacred to me may have implications as to how you may live your life.

We live in a time where freedom of speech is constantly under threat. Where media manipulation can win elections or, worse still, take nations into illegal wars. The world, my friends, is full of twats.

We need to be in state of constant vigilance against twatism.

Tony Blair, Arch Twat, [who really should be in the dock at the Hague] and a man supposedly steeped in the history of democracy will soon – having resigned as Middle East Peace Envoy [sic] – take up a new role as Chair of the European Council on Tolerance and Reconciliation (ECTR) an organisation that promotes a tougher stance on extremism – particularly anti-semitism – and one that also seeks to impose a law across Europe that will make Holocaust denial a criminal offence.

Do we really want to censure or even imprison people for believing the delusion that something that happened, never really happened at all? Or for holding a thought or idea that may offend us?

We could, of course, choose the cheaper ‘free speech’ route and simply ask them to put up or shut up – to justify their claims with evidence, with reason, and with logic. In failing to meet these requirements they could simply be banished from public discourse to those shadowy parts of the web inhabited by truthers, birthers, and people who have been probed, to be made available occasionaly for universal mockery or filed forever under the letter ‘T’.

This strategy may not lie well for groups in our society who seek to silence others as they themselves believe in unevidenced things that patently didn’t happen – talking snakes, magic apples, virgin births, zombie gods – yet cling as dearly to their own delusion as the Holocaust deniers do theirs. These very same people – people presently lauded in our society and given high office – hold thoughts that are, in my view, as despicable, immoral and objectionable as the people they seek to silence. They should remain, however, as entitled to these views as their opponents and I would defend this entitlement to my last breath.

That said, I’d want these Twats in Hats out of the House of Lords, chop chop – another reason to demand a secular state.

Listen up… I want to know what Holocaust deniers are saying. I want to confront their evidence. I want to know who they are and why they are saying what they are saying. However unpalatable that may seem to me.

Without debate there can be no democracy.

I want to be able to take part in that debate.

I want to be able to call a twat a twat.

We need to support people who want to call a twat a twat.

I would appeal to all to click the link to the Amnesty petition. [HERE & below]

Sorry, meant to just quickly post the link to the Amnesty petition – ended up having a bit of a rant. It’s late, I’ll leave the corrections, links and typo’s till tomorrow [Yay! Done that now… I think?] as I wanted to get this up. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, I’m not normally one for online petitions, but… SIGN THE FUCKING PETITION!

PETITION – Amnesty International UK – Free Raif Badawi! – PETITION

The Truth only Stands Out Clear from Error when you can distinguish Truth from Error.

Anvil Springstien.

bbc_Raif_badawi

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This from Amnesty International:

 

Someone present at Raif Badawi’s public flogging on 9 January described this account of Raif’s flogging for us. The witness has not been identified for security reasons.

‘When the worshippers saw the police van outside the mosque, they knew someone would be flogged today.

They gathered in a circle. Passers-by joined them and the crowd grew. But no one knew why the man brought forward was about to be punished. Is he a killer, they asked? A criminal? Does he not pray?

Raif Badawi had been brought to the square in front of al-Jafali mosque in Jeddah just after midday. There was a huge security presence – not just accompanying Raif but also in the streets and around the mosque. Some roads had also been closed.

Raif was escorted from a bus and placed in the middle of the crowd, guarded by eight or nine officers. He was handcuffed and shackled but his face was not covered – everyone could see his face.

Still shackled, Raif stood up in the middle of the crowd. He was dressed in a pair of trousers and a shirt.

A security officer approached him from behind with a huge cane and started beating him.

Raif raised his head towards the sky, closing his eyes and arching his back. He was silent, but you could tell from his face and his body that he was in real pain.

The officer beat Raif on his back and legs, counting the lashes until they reached 50.

The punishment took about 5 minutes. It was very quick, with no break in between lashes.

When it was over, the crowd shouted, “Allah-hu Akbar! Allah-hu Akbar!” – as if Raif had been purified.

Raif was taken away in the bus, back to prison. The whole scene had lasted less than half an hour.’

:

This from Ian Black. Middle East Editor. The Guardian

7th January 2015 [in reference to the Charley Hebdo attack]

Saudi Arabia called it a “cowardly terrorist attack that was rejected by the true Islamic religion”. The Arab League and Egypt’s al-Azhar university – the leading theological institution in the Sunni Muslim world – also denounced the incident in which masked gunmen shouted “Allahu Akbar” – “god is great ” in Arabic.

[See what these twats did here?]

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Note:

The article title is taken from one of the most used verses in the Qur’an:

“Let there be no compulsion in religion: truth stands out clear from error*:”

256 of Al-Baqara

*Caution: Doublespeak Alert: May not mean what you think it means. May mean that there is Compulsion in Religion after all. May mean that Truth may not stand out clear from Error. May only apply during times of War. May only apply during times of Peace. May apply only to Infidels. May apply only to Muslims. May apply to Third Party’s. Always consult a Qualified Scholar. Always read the small-print. Contents may settle. The Truth only stands out clear from Error when you can distinguish Truth from Error.

#EveryPictureTellsaStory

I’d always thought that the Military – any Military – was rather absurd and infantile in the paraphernalia they would produce in order to impress both themselves and others. Marching in time, especially goosestepping and the various exaggerated movement associated with this, seemed to me to be particularly humorous. I could never get away from the fact that someone had made it all up, so to speak. It all seemed so, well… juvenile.

Probably why I laughed so much at Monty Python’s The Ministry of Silly Walks.

I then (this morning) came across a shot of a certain Mr Baghdadi, Supreme and Glorious Leader (now rumoured to be dead) of a bunch of simple-minded thugs who have been persuaded that really really bad things are, in actuality, really really good things. Ah, yes, isn’t all religion simply wonderful. Main title card of Charlie's Angels

In this particular shot, Mr Baghdadi and his cohorts appear to be auditioning for a spaghetti western.  The pure childishness of the image took me back for – and I hate to say this but – I’ve been there: I joined the Armed Forces when I was sixteen years old. My first priority was to get hold of a weapon; my second, to get hold of someone with a camera to take a shot of me with said weapon. I can still recall how I held it for the camera. Juvenile, I know – but then in my defence, I, at least, was a juvenile.

The Baghdadi shot itself appears to be a rip-off of a late 70’s TV show called Charley’s Angels – hold on, I’ll do a quick Google… Yup, You can see the similarity, can’t you?

After I’d stopped laughing I became intrigued as to what must have went on during the actual ‘photo shoot‘: what must have been said; who was telling who to do what?

I penned a (rather rushed) scenario which barely competes with the hilarity of simply looking at the antics of these grown men in the original photograph. I’ll re-write it when I get some time, hopefully funny it up.

Meanwhile: Apologies for spoiling the humour.

Photoshoot

photoshoot

“Okay, five minutes everybody! Hurry up with those sandwiches and please, darlings, wipe you’re mouths. The last thing the world wants to see is a Jihadi with bacon and tomato ketchup on his upper lip.”

“Tea cups back on the pick-up, and if you need to go, then please, please, please go now”

“Anyone seen the yellow flag? Anyone? Listen up everybody. Bit of hush. Did someone pick up the yellow flag? No, darling, that’s black. Yellow – like custard… like a banana? Oh, thank goodness… thank you, James – that’s my whole vision for the shot, right there. Phew.”

“Okay, Stevie, if you go into my bag in the first pick-up you’ll find a large roll of grey gaffa-tape. I’d like the yellow flag taped to the tea-urn and placed here, and then we’ll build the shot around it…”

“Well then, put a heavy rock in it and we’ll clean it out before lunch. Yes, I know it’s got a Man United crest on it but it won’t be in the shot.”

“Can we have all the people who have a black flag to line up here, please… and everyone with an assault rifle… if you can just spread yourselves in between starting with the fat guy on the left?”

“Brilliant!” Sorry? Okay, darling, big boned it is. No offence meant.”

“Perhaps those without shoes in the middle?”

“Great!”

“Pistols now, people! Attention everybody or we’ll be here all day. Look, I know it’s hot but the sooner we get this done the sooner… thank you.”

“So pistols in a flying ‘V’ formation here, with Mr Baghdadi here at the front?”

“Yes, yes, on one knee would look really cool!”

“Yes, just like Daniel Craig in James Bond, Mr Baghdadi!”

“Okay, Let’s look at you all… hmm, the guy with the red band and the Liver Bird on your balaclava? Sorry? A present from your Gran? Er, okay, can we have you in the middle then, just behind the tea-urn?”

“Fantastic.”

“Could we possibly turn it inside out so we can lose the Liver Bird?”

“Wonderful.”

“You’re all stars, people! Nearly there.”

“Now. Motivation. I want you all to imagine… imagine that you’re protecting something very valuable – the most valuable thing you could ever think of. Your wife, or your first born child.”

“Sorry?”

“Yes, it could be the tea-urn I suppose?”

“Why not? In your imagination it could be a solid gold tea-urn!”

“Okay, imagine that the tea-urn is a golden tea-urn and you’re protecting it with your very lives.”

“Yes of course, down to the last brave warrior of Islam.”

“No, not quite like The Alamo?”

Magical? If that’s what you want.”

“No, no, not Custer’s Last Stand?”

Well, because they were both battles that were…”

“Yes, yes ‘Knights of the Magical Golden Tea-Urn’ – very good, Mr Baghdadi, another brilliant thought!”

“No, no, not… okay, yes, why not. Dragons.”

“Well, yes, I suppose the tea would give you magic powers if you drank it?”

“Look, c’mon, look everybody, hush now! Let’s just stick with the ‘Knights of the Magical Golden Tea Urn’, okay? You’re protecting the Magical Golden Tea Urn from an attack by fire breathing dragons but you’re protected from fire because you’ve all drunk the magic tea of life”

“Okay… hold that look… pistols a tad higher….”

“Say CHEESE!”

photoshoot

‘Knights of the Magical Golden Tea-Urn’

[#blairresigns]

Waiting for words…

epa04101663 An undated handout picture made available on 26 February 2014 by the United Nation Relief and Works Agency (UNRWA) shows Palestinian and Syrian residents of Yarmuk Palestinian Refugee Camp crowding in a destroyed street as food is distributed, in Damascus, Syria.  EPA/United Nation Relief and Works Agency / HANDOUT  HANDOUT EDITORIAL USE ONLY/NO SALES

I’ve been staring at a photo released a while ago by the United Nations Relief and Works Agency (UNRWA). I’ve been doing this every other day or so for quite some time now . It’s a shot taken at Yarmuk Refugee camp, Damascus. If you’re American, that’s in Syria, which is in the Middle East. Men and Women – Palestinians (and no doubt Syrians now, too) are queuing for food in a street devastated by the conflict.

They are orderly, static, unmoving – yet they appear as a river, a torrent of humanity coursing through the destruction of war.

The reason I’m staring at this photograph is that I’m waiting. Waiting for words.

Imagery often has the power to move us, and in the above instance – for myself at least – I am reminded of that singularly iconic image of the horrors of modern warfare: the young Vietnamese girl, Phan Thị Kim Phúc, napalmed by South Vietnamese forces in 1972. TrangBang.jpg

AP photographer Nick Ut took that now infamous shot which won him a Pulitzer and changed both his and Kim Phúc’s lives. In a way it changed many of our lives, too. Certainly mine. It’s an image I will carry with me to my grave. I still cannot hear or read the word, ‘Vietnam‘ – even on the now ubiquitous holiday adverts for that very country – without my mind conjuring Nick’s image of Kim Phúc. Oddly, the resolution seems only to sharpen rather than diminish with age.

I’d have dreaded being asked to pen a by-line for it – wouldn’t you? What words would you use? What words would suffice? What words could do justice to it? How long would you wait for them to arrive?

I fear my inadequacy as a writer would be held bare for all to see.

Perhaps there really are no words to describe such an image? Perhaps the image itself is all that is needed?

I’d just about come to this very conclusion with regard to the UNRWA shot – possibly to excuse my own failings: The more I stared at it the more I knew I didn’t possess the words, the skill, or the imagination to write anything that could possibly accompany it. Doomed to simply stare daily at the incomprehensible savagery of it all.

Defeated and feeling somewhat inadequate, I went to close the image-viewer for the umpteenth time. As I did so the wires pinged on my screen with the headline “Tony Blair resigns as Middle East Envoy.”

At that moment I knew that the image didn’t need a description, it merely required placing its instant – its moment – into its wider, greater context.

Nick Ut had The New York Times to position his shot left and centre to the heart of the Vietnam conflict. In our age of information overkill the UNRWA image seemed lost. Waiting for words that would never come. Not from me at least.

Then…

Tony Blair resigns as Middle East Envoy“.

It said it all.

Anvil Springstien.

Note: This became more of an article/post than the intended quick-link from the front-page News section to the Tony Blair resigns as Middle East Envoy post. As such I moved it here

Click HERE for the UNRWA image – full-screen

Click HERE for the Blair resigns… post

Thumbnail image © Nick Ut / The Associated Press 1972

UNRWA image © United Nations Relief and Works Agency 2014

Both images are used under ‘Fair Use’ rationale. No copyright infringement is intended.

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